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Dani wonders how she’s going to afford to buy Christmas presents for everyone

I have a cold, I woke myself up sneezing this morning, which could have been quite amusing. I’m blaming the festivals for this cold. Just because I can.

I love saying that. ‘Why are you doing that?’, ‘Well, because I can!’ It’s like a parent saying, ‘Because I say so!’ That is an amazing power to have and I think it’s one of the best benefits of becoming a parent.

I was measured yesterday and I’m five foot four inches tall. Now this doesn’t seem worth writing about but the thing is, I have always known my height and I knew that was my height at the moment. But any time anyone asks how tall I am, I say “I’m about five foot”, they usually say “No you’re not, silly billy,” while stifling the need to pat me on the head like they’ve caught me faking my height. Honestly, if I was going to fake my height don’t you think I’d fake it so I was taller than a hobbit?

So because I have a cold I yet again don’t have very much to report in the way of Dani news. Not that there is ever anything worth calling news in this space but some weeks it may be far more interesting than others.

“I had a dream last night that Jordan went to have an operation on her boobs and died”

It’s getting colder, which means that Christmas is nearly here, an excitement in itself to me…I love Christmas, I think possibly more so now that I’m older and can buy presents for other people and because I have a boyfriend I can buy things for. Because that’s always nice isn’t it?

The one thing that I always get a bit stuck on with the whole buying presents thing is whether or not I buy for everyone in my whole family (aunties, grandparent etc) or just stick to my immediate family. My mum has always put mine and my sisters names on the presents to her family so I never felt the need to, but aren’t I at the age now where I should be wearing lipstick, own a proper handbag and buy Christmas gifts for everyone? If I consult my mum on the subject she’ll say, “You can’t really afford to.” And it’s true. I can’t afford to be frivolous and buy everyone i-pods and digital cameras but surely it’s about time I got them some of those irritating small thoughtful gifts that everybody likes but three weeks down the line you don’t know what to do with!

If I had the money I’d buy everything everybody wanted, but I don’t so I won’t. Simple as that really.

I had a dream last night that Jordan went to have an operation on her boobs and died. I feel pretty freaked out. Firstly because I had a dream about Jordan of all people and secondly because in it she died. Both of which, to me, are quite disturbing and weird. I think it’s something to do with the cold, I have had some crazily vivid dreams these past few nights. The kind where you wake up and question whether or not it really happened. They’re freaking me out. It’s all very weird.

Victoria Nangle tells us to enjoy comedy month by checking out the smaller gigs as well as Paramount

With everyone rushing around like headless chickens trying to get those tickets to that Paramount Comedy gig it’s easy to forget that there are actually other comedy offerings to be had. Don’t. That would be silly.

Since October in Brighton has now become known as ‘comedy month’, Paramount is no longer alone in mounting its festival at this time. Heh heh. There’s more. Kicking off on Sunday is the Fresh Meat Festival, a brand new collection of shows on at The Joogleberry Playhouse, The Komedia and Mint Restaurant that encompasses sketch comedy, improv comedy, music and film. There’s loads. Goes on for a whole week too. By which point the Brighton Comedy Fringe will have kicked in – starting on 19 October – bringing top national and local comics to the stage at The Marlborough Theatre and to showcases at the Three And Ten public house. That goes on for two weeks, with the full listings found at www.brightoncomedyfringe.co.uk But more about that next week.

The Fresh Meat Festival kicks off this week, and it brings you exactly what it says on the tin – fresh meat, creatively speaking.

That’s not to say they’re particularly new to this performing lark. Already with Fringe credentials are the Four D’Oeuvres sketch group and Frankly Robert, and musical interludes in this here festival include a turn from the already strongly fan-followed fabulous Bobby McGees. And that’s just for starters.

“It brings you exactly what it says on the tin – fresh meat, creatively speaking”

To keep this meat extra fresh, if you love your comedy in a high quality tartar, there will also be turns from the improvisation troupe, the Off The Cuff Collective. Made up of comics, writers and general performers they’ve got a fine tune in made up funniness going here.

And then there’s all the other mixtures of poetry, storytelling, stand-up and brilliance you’ll find at any new festival. The great thing about brand new festivals with acts that aren’t quite as brand new as the festival itself is that they work hard to get the best. The festival has to make its name and give a good first impression. Be prepared to find several shows involving people you can later say in years to come: “I saw them on their way up, in this tiny venue with brilliant atmosphere”, and bask in the glow of the kudos it’ll bring you.

Fresh Meat organisers have put in that effort, and it shows. We’re lucky in Brighton that not only do we have this pool of talent from which to cherry pick for any show we want to put on, but that people are organising those shows. And festivals. Altogether now – Thanks.

Andrew Kay finds his expectations crushed at the Royal Oak in Poynings

Being something of a roving reporter on Latest Homes, I quite often find myself at lunchtime in the Sussex countryside. It’s a hazard of the job that can be quite expensive – you find yourself, at noon, in a small village and a cheap bite to eat is often an impossibility.

Last week, I was in such a position. My diary dictated that I was in Piddinghoe at 10am and Steyning at 3pm. That placed me in Poynings at 1.30pm. Now, I dearly wanted to press on to Goldings Barn but for some reason I thought I might be too late for food. I also thought that if I went somewhere new, I might get a review out of it too. Which is why I also missed The Shepherd And Dog at Fulking and Tottington Manor, all of which I have reviewed, some quite recently.

That was how I ended up in the Royal Oak. I turned into the car park and was amazed to find it so full on a Monday lunchtime. Inside, it looked lovely and smelled good too. How brilliant the smoking ban has been for pub dining.

“I chose the two cheapest dishes, part out of economy and part because I wasn’t that hungry”

I went to the bar and ordered a glass of cider. I like cider in the autumn, it feels right. There were two menus – a printed one and one on a blackboard. My immediate reaction was: ‘pricey’. Starters started at £5, mains at £9 but mainly they were between £14 and £16. Given that this was going to have to be at least two courses if I was to make a decent fist of a review, it was also going to be something of an expensive lunch for a meal that I had not planned.

In the end, I chose the two cheapest dishes, in part out of a sense of economy and in part because I wasn’t really that hungry. There were sandwiches, but I don’t review sandwiches if I can help it, or snacks come to that. I just want to make it clear that you can eat for less at the Royal Oak than I did.

So, what did I have? Well, the soup. Now funnily enough, the day before – in chatting with a chef – I expressed my horror at being sold packet or tinned soup in restaurants as home-made. Home-made as in ‘I opened it and stirred it’ I guess. He said that it was a useful and economical option in many kitchens and I disagreed. At the Royal Oak it was most definitely home-made: red onion, sweet potato and tomato served with nice ciabatta and cold butter. Sounds good eh? And I really wanted it to be, but to be honest it was dull. There was no flavour of sweet potato for a start, none at all and I suppose it might have been there to add texture, but then a King Edward would do that and cost less. It was just a fresh tomato soup that lacked ‘oomph’.

My next course sounded just the job for a Monday lunch, the sort of thing I make with leftovers from Sunday cooking, so I happily chose cold roast gammon with fried eggs and bubble and squeak. “Plain cooking,” I thought. “Let’s see how they get on with this.” Imagine my horror when this most basic of dishes came piled high in some ridiculous cheffy tower. I was not amused. I began to dissemble it, but of course the eggs broke, a real waste of two very good eggs, now all over the plate and setting fast on the cold gammon. By the time I got to taste it, I realised it was not only the gammon that was cold but also the bubble and squeak. That too was setting the egg yolks. I could have plodded on but I thought: “No, for nine quid they can get it right”. So, I sent it back.

They dealt with my complaint in an okay manner – polite and efficient but not, I thought, really that bothered that I was unhappy. It came out again five minutes later and I will say it was piping hot and clearly had been remade in its entirety. I asked for some French mustard but it was that vile low-grade dark brown stuff with a glossy high-sugar look. The eggs were superb though: really, really good. The gammon was wetter than I like it and icy cold, a disaster as a layer between hot potato and hot eggs where it sat.

The bubble was poor, all mash and no cabbage (or very little) and although now hot, it did not have that essential ‘fried in a hot pan’ taste or feel to it – you know what I mean, the salty crispy bits that accrue as you turn and move it around the pan. I didn’t bother to finish it.

The bill came to over £17 – which makes me weep – and it certainly doesn’t make me want to return. Such a shame – so pretty a pub, so lovely a location, but either I was very unlucky or the crowd that were dining simply don’t give a damn how much they pay and what it’s like. Next time I will head on to Goldings Barn, just a few miles away and far better value.

Royal Oak, The Street, Poynings. Call 01273 857389 or see www.royaloakpoynings.biz/ for more information.

The Rockarchive collection is a music photography agency run along similar lines to Magnum. It was set up by Jill Furmanovsky and features some of music’s greatest names – The Rolling Stones, David Bowie, The Clash, Iggy Pop, Bob Marley – captured by some of photography’s greatest practitioners: David Corio, Bob Gruen, Gerard Mankowitz, Mick Rock and Jill Furmanovsky herself.

This collection of stylistic and iconoclastic rock images features many legendary musicians, captured in intimate moments or on stage, strutting their stuff. The images reveal the vivacious spirit that infuses each new age of music, from the histrionic glittering of glam, the rebellious face of punk to the natural cool of 70s soul. Each hand-signed limited edition print comes embossed, individually numbered and with a certificate of authenticity.

The exhibition features a roll call of distinguished rock photographers, many seduced by the rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle they captured, and who often formed close relationships with their subjects, sharing and photographing all that is both illicit and exciting about the music scene, and documenting the rise and ruin of many of our modern music icons. These photographers aided in giving life to legends, immortalising them in the moment and cementing their notoriety and fame.

Anthology: The Rockarchive Collection, Crane Kalman Gallery, Kensington Gardens, Brighton, until 11 November. www.rockarchive.com