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Dani discovers new friendships and contemplates the true meaning of karma

I’m feeling angry and I feel like an absolute fool. And it’s hard to write this feeling like this without telling you all the reasons for it, but I really feel like I need to cause someone some pain, an eye for an eye so to speak. But superficial scares in no way make up for the other kinds do they. So I won’t bitch back, because let’s face it, whatever I say will be wrong and it’s clear that my opinions are not worthy of hearing because I’m not quite as good as the people I want to hear them. Or at least that’s what they think.

“Karma is the cosmic principle according to which each person is rewarded or punished in one incarnation according to that person’s deeds in the previous incarnation”

I do not have to be a doormat anymore and I do not have to be made to feel like I’m not quite good enough. So I can only go in one direction. And to tell you the truth I don’t have a problem with that. And you know something, it’s funny these past couple of weeks, I have been told I look different, ‘prettier’ seems to be the most commonly used word and – although I would rather be the sexy one as opposed to the pretty one – that has to mean something doesn’t it?

Like I said in a column I wrote before about friends, it turns out I have loads; it turns out that when people I thought were complete strangers wished me luck I should have thought slightly longer about why they did that.

You have no idea how hard this is to write.

This column is supposed to be about relationships but you will have to forgive me because for a couple of weeks I won’t be writing about them, and writing about all the creepy guys who lech on you in clubs isn’t necessarily gripping reading, so I am apologising in advance for the fact that the subject will be off the menu for a while.

So for my last 150 words I will be talking about anything else.

Any ideas anyone? No?

Karma is a word that has been misused in a few conversations I’ve had recently, so I thought to clear something up I’d tell you what the real meaning of the word is. So here it is: karma is the cosmic principle according to which each person is rewarded or punished in one incarnation according to that person’s deeds in the previous incarnation.

It’s funny knowing what it really means, because when someone is making you feel like crap while talking about keeping the balance of karma correct you can think, well first of all it’s not a balancing act and second of all, if you treat people like rubbish, one day you will be treated worse. So be careful!

Victoria Nangle reflects on original jokes with the ghosts of Christmas past

What’s brown and sticky? What’s black and white and red all over? Why did the chicken cross the road? Maybe because he knew all the jokes on the side it was on. It’s approaching that Christmas time again and, before you go ballastic about how it’s not actually there yet and to stop scaremongering, I thought it might be time to remember joke books fondly.

Not the magical books of professional comedians these, more The Puffin Bumper Book Of Jokes To Make Your Nose Explode. There was a time when each Christmas the shops would be packed with Knock, Knock chapters and Doctor, Doctor subheadings in order to make us squeal with laughter and annoy the hell out of all adult supervision by relentlessly reading out every gag that made us laugh. And that was every single one.

“Whoever had the last laugh had the attention, which is why joke books are such lovely presents”

It was like a starter kit for polite conversation. As a child all I did at grown-up parties was sit in a bored but somewhat privileged state in a corner, or at a parent’s feet looking as angelic as they could make me, listening to them talk about boring things and occasionally being rewarded with the sound of laughter from the grown-ups upon high. That meant the subject was picking up or was coming to a conclusion, either way it sounded like the most interesting bit.

Ta da! A book full of the most interesting bits bunged in the bottom of a stocking. And when I’d exhausted that I had to make up my own interesting bits. Whether they be my family’s own misguided juvenile gags (my 6-year-old brother came up with his answer to the chicken joke one festive season – What’s under plant pots? Ants!) or a new cleverer way to make people laugh – like farting.

Whoever had the last laugh had the attention, which is why joke books are such lovely presents. They give kids the thing they crave the most – you.

Besides which, it’s always fun to revisit your golden gags of old. Introducing them to a new generation who don’t know them as ‘old’. It’s not like they’re Shakespeare or anything and taught as the ‘classics’ at school. Imagine what that syllabus would look like – Module part A of six, discuss Man Walks Into a Bar with the various animal compadres often involved in such scenarios. To be honest, I’d rather have the joke books.

No, start your Christmas shopping now and stock up on those joke books for the kiddies. Apart from anything else, it’ll certainly distract them from those mega-expensive computer games they’ve been harping on about since last Christmas. Ho, ho, ho.

Andrew Kay on the vagaries of international cuisine

“I hope you don’t expect me to bend over a truly international buffet with loose buttocks.” Forgive once more my indulgence, but it’s a favourite line from the pen of Victoria Wood writing Dinnerladies, a TV series that was vastly underrated when first screened. Having worked for several years writing training and food style features for a “truly international” catering company, much of it rang true.

The reason I bring this up is that I have just returned from my now annual trip to see a preview premiere of the next Holiday on Ice extravaganza, this time to Rotterdam.

Now Rotterdam is a lot nicer than one might expect, but at the end of the day, it is a busy commercial city rather than a major tourist destination. That said, we had a very jolly and inevitably inebriated time.

This year the schedule was tighter than in the past and this meant our meals were quite often buffet style. At the Westin Hotel a buffet lunch suffered from the chef’s dilemma of catering for all tastes. Therefore, while nothing was horrid, the combinations that greedy piggies like me ended up with on their plates, was to say the least bizarre. The final lunacy being a dessert buffet which contained a selection of pastries and fruit and a misplaced egg and cucumber salad – apple custard tart with egg and cucumber, yum!

That evening the show started with a premiere launch party at which Holland’s celebs had been invited. Needless to say we recognised none of them. We British press attended with Kyran Bracken, one time world cup England rugby team member, and now as well known for winning celebrity TV show Skating On Ice. What a charmer. Not as tall as he seemed on screen, but with all the energy and fun of a Labrador puppy. When most of us were flagging, Kyran was still bouncing around in search of the proverbial soft toilet tissue, or at least something like it.

“We were full of booze, canapés and good will… the next morning I staggered down to breakfast”

Dinner here was taken on the hoof at a series of stands serving hot and cold starters and then oriental food served in waxed cardboard take-away boxes, the kind you see in American sitcoms and not the foil ones we use. The starters included stylishly presented spring rolls, cups of goat’s cheese and pancetta salad, and gazpacho. The main dishes were noodles with chicken and beef. Now, you try balancing the combo of a waxed cardboard box and glass of wine and then eating noodles and sauced food with wooden chopsticks. Not easy, and even harder in a suit or a posh frock. The food, however, was hot and tasty and the idea, although flawed, made for lots of fun. After the show we were treated to vodka, prosecco and lemon sorbet cocktails and a variety of fried snacks. By midnight we were full of booze, canapés and good will.

The next morning I staggered down to the restaurant for breakfast. Now I have eaten some fabulous and memorable meals here in the Netherlands, but the one thing they genuinely excel at is the breakfast buffet. It never ceases to amaze me how they can so successfully put together a breakfast of such delights.

I can never decide what to have so after a few years I have worked out that it is easier to decide what not to have. On this occasion I had grapefruit juice followed by a plate of melon slices, three ripe varieties. I then moved on to crispy bacon, sausage, squares of some strange omelette-like dish and fine pancakes all of which I topped off with maple syrup. Mmmmm. Believe me, it was first class.

I should have stopped but I could not resist going back for a croissant with some spiced Dutch cheese and some lean slices of cured pork (I don’t know what it had been suffering from but it was very well when I had it). I know, a real mess of food that typifies the idea of an international buffet. In Holland they do this so well, far better than most hotels I have ever stayed save one in Majorca that along with the usual dishes added a table of whole tropical fruits and a mountain of home made cakes that would make any Women’s Institute member weep with envy. In the right hands, a buffet can hit the spot.

Lindsay Fergusson explores vintage style

Vintage-inspired shapes appeared on the autumn/winter 2007 catwalk with an amalgam of forms, colours and eras. The clocks may be going back, but fashion is certainly going forward, as I discovered on my mission to locate vintage pieces.

The bold, bright colours, flared trousers and flute-sleeved tops paid homage to the sleek 1970s. On the opposite end of the fashion spectrum, designers stood strong with collections based on my favourite era, the glamorous and structured 1940s and 1950s.

Combined with luxe fabrics and this season’s top shades of gunmetal grey, lilacs and mauves, it was exciting to know the tailored and feminine look was shining bright in this dramatic, daring and divinely different array of vintage meets modern day fashion. I wanted to investigate how closely entwined vintage and modern garments have become, and what better place to start than my home town.

Brighton residents, you are blessed, in our ultra-stylish city the choice is immense and for this reason narrowing my choice of boutiques down to four was a difficult task.

My first point of call was Hope and Harlequin. Here the team carefully source beautiful vintage pieces that fit to perfection. This is one super-sassy place and luckily for me, the vast array of post-war fashions allowed me to find two stunning dresses in this season’s key colours.

One of the city’s better known boutiques is Frocks Away. Here you will find elegant dresses and stylishly feminine hats and bags. Monochrome tends to be associated with the swinging 60s. However, as I found, designers such as Gaultier and Sonia Rykiel are merging this concept into retro designs. The black and white 1950s prom dress summed up how taking a step back in time can sometimes provide us with garments more fashionable than the high street.

My favourite little jewel is the treasure trove I found in Kemp Town. Margaret who runs a little self-named boutique gave me an insight into the major difference between the 1940s and 1950s.

Finally, to add a twist to my take on vintage meets modern day, I headed to Get Cutie. This is not an authentic vintage boutique but a contemporary take on vintage fashions. Get Cutie uses vintageinspired fabrics and designs to create exceptional garments.

Stepping back in time with vintage pieces or accessories can give you that exclusive, glamorous feel and showing off your curves in post-war classics is set to be this season’s biggest story.

Photographer: Tim Richardson
Styling: Lindsay Fergusson and Zena McCarthy
Hair: Andrina
Special thanks: The Town House Hotel
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