» Bare cheek
Brian Mitchell & Joseph Nixon’s thoroughly scurrilous Brighton column
We explain what connections to Brighton those names emblazoned on the front of local buses have…
Leonard Nimoy (No. 13A)
– a tapestry depicting Spock, painstakingly woven over several months by a pensioner in Peacehaven for her Trekkie grandson, was recently sold at BHASVIC car boot for £3.
Clara Schumann (No. 44)
– the legendary pianist and widow of manic-depressive composer Robert was offered a support slot in a tour of British summer resorts (taking in Eastbourne and Brighton), headlined by Jeff Beck.
Karen Black (No. 6B)
– a look-a-like of the Five Easy Pieces star, wearing a replica of her Airport 75 stewardess’ uniform, cut the tape for the opening of the old Tesco at Churchill Square.
Brian Jacks (No. 55)
– appeared as the genie in Aladdin at the Theatre Royal in 1978.
The Man From Atlantis (No. 89)
– was hauled aboard a skip off the shores of Newhaven, then thrown back as small fry (although this story is now thought apocryphal).
Mustapha Million (No. 101)
– in one episode of the Cheeky cartoon strip, everyone’s favourite oil-rich racial stereotype bought Brighton Pier as a gift to cheer up a friend who had lost all his pocket money at a “Penny Falls”.
I. P. Freely (No. 69A)
– the amusingly-appellated, entirely fictional figure, whom the fates have not seen fit to award a personality or distinguishing characteristics of any kind, and whose sole purpose is to educe titters from the puerile, was once given as an alias by a drunk philanderer at The Royal Albion Hotel late one Friday night.
HamburglAr (No. 222)
– Independent councillor for Hangleton and Knoll, 1966-1974.
WHAT’S NOT ON: STAGE
DEAD SMILE OR
Rising star of the Royal Court, 22-year-old Londoner Poppy Stebbins’ acclaimed play about a posh girl who writes a play and is celebrated as being the next big thing, despite having very little talent.
Theatre Royal, 14-21 February, 8pm, £15/12
DYNEGY
Rising star of the National Theatre, 23-year-old Lucy Popple’s acclaimed play about a posh girl who writes a play about the financial crash and is celebrated as being a genius, despite having even less talent.
Theatre Royal, 21-26 February, 8pm, £15/12
BITTER LEAF
Rising star of the Young Vic, 19-year-old Oba Adebanke’s acclaimed play about a Nigerian girl who writes a play about the experience of being black in London and is celebrated as being a genius by a media keen to show off its egalitarian credentials.
Theatre Royal, 26-29 February, 8pm, £15/12
SOUR GRAPES
Two middle-aged failures pour scorn on those younger and more successful than them.
Upstairs At The Three And Ten, 16 February, 8pm. £4/2.50
CANCELLED DUE TO LACK OF INTEREST.
In & Out
SPECIAL FICTIONAL PLACE NAMES EDITION
In
• The Five Towns (Turnhill, Bursley, Handbridge, Knype, Longshaw)
• Amity Island
• Erinsborough
• Warmington-on-Sea
• Potterville
Out
• Bedford Falls
• Much-Binding-In-The-Marsh
• Mega-City One
• Wheelie Town
• Cool World
What we used to say
An occasional series in which we struggle to remember the original, simple, once common terms that have been abandoned in favour of ghastly, overblown, crass, managerial Americanisms.
WHAT WE SAY NOW: “Wake-up call”
Unbelievably ridiculous, inane, totally un-British phrase to indicate an aide-memoire. “The fact that we’ve totally run out of biscuits should be a wake up call to those who take more than their fair share without ever buying any.”
WHAT WE USED TO SAY: “Reminder”
