» Bare Cheek
Brian Mitchell & Joseph Nixon’s thoroughly scurrilous Brighton column
CUT-OUT ROADWORKS BINGO
Tick off any example of incredibly annoying roadworks causing huge tailbacks and diverting all bus routes via Peacehaven you see. And believe us, there’ll be a lot. Oh yes. Despite the fact that they did all this not six months ago. When you have ticked them all off shout “house!” to yourself and return the completed card to us, c/o Latest 7. We will send you, by return of post, a nude photograph of Kirstie Allsop (or Brian Mitchell, whichever is available).
UNOBTAINIUM UNOBTAINABLE
In what one newspaper is calling ‘the best irony we’ve ever seen’, a toy replica of the fictitious substance from James Cameron’s overly-simplistic allegorical fable Avatar has become the ‘must have’ toy of the year, meaning that it is sold out in practically all shops and cannot be purchased for love nor money.
“We’d been hoping for a good ironic story,” said Nick Lemsip of The Times. “They’re always good for distracting people from wars, famines, and the like. People like to read something they can shake their heads ruefully about – and to be honest we’re much too understaffed to do any reporting on real stories. We’d been hoping for something like a climate change expert getting killed by a greenhouse or Michael Caine being shot dead by the police for being unable to identify himself by name, but this is even better.”
THE BARE CHEEK CULTURAL PRIMER
THE CARRY ON FILMS
If anything sums up the British sense of humour, it’s the bawdy, whacky Carry On series. Kick-started by penny-pinching producer Peter Rogers in 1958, the films have continued until the present day, surviving cast changes and deaths, shifting social attitudes, and three fatwas. But how many of them do you remember?
CARRY ON RATIONING (1958)
Black marketeer Sid Knockers (Sid James) becomes embroiled in a scheme to forge green shield stamps.
CARRY ON VET (1962)
Animal doctors Sid Crumpet (Sid James) and Norbert Riddle (Kenneth Connor) accidentally breed a dog that can predict the future.
CARRY ON SPACE RACE (1968)
British astronaut Albert Peeing (Charles Hawtrey) attempts to reach the moon, beating American Tex Dallas (Sid James) and Russian Ivan Normousone (Bernard Bresslaw).
CARRY ON, MAN (1969)
Hippie dropout Cedric Featherstone (Robin Asquith) puts LSD in the water supply of a suburban street, transforming the lives of Sid Banger (Sid James), wife Nora (Patsy Rowlands) and neighbour George (Terry Scott).
CARRY ON NOTHING (1978)
Glue-sniffing Sid Vicious (Sid James) attempts to destroy society.
CARRY ON YUPPIE (1985)
Besuited filofax-worshipper Guy Gecko (Peter Howitt) tries to develop a run-down estate inhabited by Sid Grabber (Sid James), Trudy Truelove (Barbara Windsor), and Bert Silage (Peter Butterworth).
CARRY ON INTERNET (2001)
Dot com millionaire Sid Screwer (Sid James) invents a robotic woman (Jo Guest) but then goes bust and commits suicide.
CARRY ON JIHAD (2010)
A terrorist cell lead by Sid Khan (Sid James) tries to blow up the houses of parliament. Directed by Chris Morris.
IN & OUT
In
• The General Synod’s Life Of Python
• The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel
• Asses of Fire
• The Dueling Cavalier
Out
• The Dancing Cavalier
• Ants In Your Pants 1939
• Habeas Corpus
• See You Next Wednesday
• Dude, Where’s My Railcard?
