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Dani is finding that taking her vitamins might just be doing the trick

I feel quite inspired. It may be the vitamin B I’m taking. I think I said already that I think it’s making a difference and now I’m quite sure of the fact. It could be because I am thinking a bit clearer. It could be because I feel like I understand myself a bit better, or it could be because that Aero advert is back on TV. But whatever it is, I am happy it’s happened.

At first, I was quite confused about how to deal with the fact that I was waking up and feeling normal. Well, the hard part wasn’t dealing with it, so much as actually recognising that what I was feeling was normality. After a year of feeling like I’m waking up standing on the edge of a cliff it has been oddly hard to suddenly be waking up okay.

I’m not saying that everything is great all the time, but for the past week or two things have just been easier. It feels like a bit of a weight has been lifted. I am now making decisions about what I want to be doing in a year or five years and it’s taking some time to get used to it. It’s insane isn’t it, who would have ever thought that anyone would have to try and get used to feeling normal? Although I imagine lots of people experience that feeling, after suffering from an illness or going through a tragedy eventually you will start to feel normal. But I think I’m being sensible about it, I’m not expecting too much from myself. I am trying not to get my hopes up too high, because there will be downfalls, and there have already been a couple times where I feel bad again, but the turnaround seems to be a bit quicker.

“I got on two buses in one week, one of which I did on my own”

Even when things have upset me, it hasn’t affected my nerves as it would have done. If I was going to go deeper into it, I would say that perhaps the reason it hasn’t affected me so badly is because I’m not that bothered anymore, but lets not go there! Going there might give us the result that, in actual fact, I’m not actually better, it’s just the fact that the things that would have really hurt before have hurt so many times that now I’m numb from them.

Maybe that whole ‘if you put good ‘vibes’ out you get good ‘vibes’ back’ thing is true. I felt good, bought a lotto ticket and won a tenner. Not quite the 20 grand I wanted, but still, it’s a plus. I realise it’s quite ridiculous to say that I won £10 on the lottery because I’m taking vitamin B but like I said, I’m feeling inspired!

I want to go out to work so I can save for all the things I have planned for next year. I am learning to drive and can just about do a three-point turn. I got on two buses in one week, one of which I did on my own, which may sound like one of the most trivial, stupid things ever but for me it felt like I had conquered the world. Even when I sent a text message to everyone I know who realises what it means and never got one back, I didn’t care. What might be an everyday thing to you was a mountain to me, and I bloody well climbed it!

Dani is trying to feel better without making her friends feel worse

I had been feeling pretty good. I felt so okay that I got on a bus. I have put it down to the vitamin B that I’ve been taking, which is supposed to be good for the nerves.

I still feel kind of okay, perhaps it’s because I just have other things to worry about. Distraction is the key here. If you have a lot on your mind about one thing, you forget another thing. So I am now worrying about real life things: money, jobs, relationships, family, friends. And this doesn’t give me time to feel anxious, and maybe all those other things out-weigh my anxiousness. But then, once the distractions have gone, I will feel anxious again. Or maybe I wont (I’m trying to be positive here).

It turns out that as soon as I appear to be able to stand on my own two feet people want to chat to me about how my problem has affected them. Which is nice. Not that I mind. I understand that me having a breakdown has affected everyone around me, but when I am called selfish, my blood starts to boil, as it is something I couldn’t control.

“I was trying to change the bits that affected them and stopped concentrating on myself”

I understand that plans have been changed for me, because I couldn’t do certain things, but that doesn’t mean I did it on purpose, and it doesn’t mean that I can be told about how horrible it is for everyone and how badly I have affected their lives.

When I was first ill, I asked a friend of mine (who’s girlfriend had the same thing) how he dealt with it. And he said that when she was having a bad time, he would be there for her and try and help her, and when she was feeling better, he would try and have a chat with her about how it made him feel, as he thought it was important that she knew.

I totally understand that. I thought it was a good thing that they could do that. But when people start telling me how things had affected them, I don’t know how to take it, and it made me think that maybe it wasn’t a good thing. As in any situation, if you are told that something you are doing is hurting or affecting other people you try and change it. And that’s all fair enough, but when the thing that’s affecting you is totally out of your control, it’s harder to change and try and make it better.

Call me selfish if you like, but I think people started telling me what a bad effect I was having on their lives too early. I was told things in the first month of my breakdown that I would still have trouble hearing now, and while it was happening, I thought – shit! Now I think that was quite selfish. Now I think that instead of being given a chance to heal and chill out and work on what was making me feel like I did, I spent my time trying to change the bits that had affected them and stopped concentrating on myself so much. I suppose I am still doing that. It does sometimes feel like I’m trying to fix the problems that occurred when I got ill, as opposed to fixing me. I’m just relying on the vitamin B to sort me out!

Dani wonders how she’s going to afford to buy Christmas presents for everyone

I have a cold, I woke myself up sneezing this morning, which could have been quite amusing. I’m blaming the festivals for this cold. Just because I can.

I love saying that. ‘Why are you doing that?’, ‘Well, because I can!’ It’s like a parent saying, ‘Because I say so!’ That is an amazing power to have and I think it’s one of the best benefits of becoming a parent.

I was measured yesterday and I’m five foot four inches tall. Now this doesn’t seem worth writing about but the thing is, I have always known my height and I knew that was my height at the moment. But any time anyone asks how tall I am, I say “I’m about five foot”, they usually say “No you’re not, silly billy,” while stifling the need to pat me on the head like they’ve caught me faking my height. Honestly, if I was going to fake my height don’t you think I’d fake it so I was taller than a hobbit?

So because I have a cold I yet again don’t have very much to report in the way of Dani news. Not that there is ever anything worth calling news in this space but some weeks it may be far more interesting than others.

“I had a dream last night that Jordan went to have an operation on her boobs and died”

It’s getting colder, which means that Christmas is nearly here, an excitement in itself to me…I love Christmas, I think possibly more so now that I’m older and can buy presents for other people and because I have a boyfriend I can buy things for. Because that’s always nice isn’t it?

The one thing that I always get a bit stuck on with the whole buying presents thing is whether or not I buy for everyone in my whole family (aunties, grandparent etc) or just stick to my immediate family. My mum has always put mine and my sisters names on the presents to her family so I never felt the need to, but aren’t I at the age now where I should be wearing lipstick, own a proper handbag and buy Christmas gifts for everyone? If I consult my mum on the subject she’ll say, “You can’t really afford to.” And it’s true. I can’t afford to be frivolous and buy everyone i-pods and digital cameras but surely it’s about time I got them some of those irritating small thoughtful gifts that everybody likes but three weeks down the line you don’t know what to do with!

If I had the money I’d buy everything everybody wanted, but I don’t so I won’t. Simple as that really.

I had a dream last night that Jordan went to have an operation on her boobs and died. I feel pretty freaked out. Firstly because I had a dream about Jordan of all people and secondly because in it she died. Both of which, to me, are quite disturbing and weird. I think it’s something to do with the cold, I have had some crazily vivid dreams these past few nights. The kind where you wake up and question whether or not it really happened. They’re freaking me out. It’s all very weird.

Dani’s life is thrown into turmoil after going to too many festivals

So has anyone else been hooked with the GenesReunited.co.uk bug yet? I have and I’m so excited. It’s so interesting finding out all sorts of things about your family history. Well it is to me, possibly because I’m really sad! I can’t stop, even when I get stunted by the fact that every time I click on something I have to pay some money. I plan to keep going as far back as possible along my family tree and (fingers crossed) find my fortune. Only joking! Although it would be cool.

I haven’t found out anything massively interesting, but I’m hoping I will. Who wouldn’t want to find out something intriguing? What I have found out, which is totally un-family tree-related, is that if I spend two weekends in a row at festivals, my habit of biting my fingernails is cured.

I have tried funny-tasting nail varnish, elastic bands to ping instead, wearing fake nails, and telling people to hit me when they see me do it. The cure is to spend far too long with your only toilet facilities being portaloos. Ta-da! I have white bits! And, sadly, that’s about it for my news, and lets face it, that doesn’t really count as news, does it?!

“If I get too tired, I feel anxious, which leads to anxiety attacks, which makes me unhappy”

Other than geek out over finding my ancestors, and filing my nails, I have spent the rest of my time either working or trying to catch up on my sleep. It’s been very dull to be me recently!

I’m trying to catch up on lost sleep, which is hard, because I find it really difficult to sleep during the day, and every morning my aching back is hurting and wakes me up, which is nice! And if that doesn’t wake me up, the bin men will, and it’s all very crap, and if I get too tired, I end up feeling anxious, which leads to anxiety attacks, which means I skip meals, which means I lose weight, which makes me unhappy, and makes me anxious and it goes round and around and around and doesn’t appear to ever stop. It’s like my whole life is dependant on getting proper good sleep and eating regularly.

I know it sounds stupid and, yes, everybody needs sleep and food, but I used to be able to go out for the evening and have three hours’ sleep and skip breakfast and be up till 11pm and feel fine the next day. But now I can’t. Now I am like a Nan. I can’t do too many things all at once, and I have a problem thinking too far forward into the future and planning things for my life because I think, how can I plan for my life when my life is being lived by a body I have no control over?