» Dani’s Diary
Dani is living a life of self-doubt and a growing sense of underachieving
Television and movies are to blame for many of us feeling let down by reality. We are bombarded with images of the perfect relationship, which immediately makes you doubt your own. We are also shown the perfect affair, which in turns makes you suspect your partner. We see perfect homes, perfect families, perfect friends, hair, bodies, teeth, skin and spend the rest of our time trying to achieve these goals that can only be written.
It’s a depressing enough world without the constant reminder that perhaps you haven’t got it quite right, that perhaps your partner is having a secret affair or that you are not in a good relationship at all.
I believe it is this that has made me high maintenance (I wouldn’t call myself that, but I have been called it many times in the past, which is odd considering all the relationships I have been in are ones where I didn’t actually get a choice in anything and just had to agree all the time – how that makes you high maintenance I will never know). But is it really too much to ask for things to be great as opposed to just good?
I don’t think I am out of line to expect the amazing and mind blowing. I could never see myself as someone who just settles, my own expectations of my own life have made settling an almost impossible feat. I am constantly restless and unhappy with the way things have turned out and I blame it all on my romantic view of the world (which is peppered with pessimism). My romantic view on the world stretches well past romance. When it comes to anything in life I have a warped Jane Austen view on it.
“This makes life quite hard as I am consistently disappointed by the way things turn out“
This does in general make life quite hard as I am made consistently disappointed by the way things turn out.
But, if I was offered the chance to have all those feelings taken away and feel happy with settling I would pass the offer up. Because of the way I am I feel mega highs and mega lows. If I gave up the lows I would have to release the highs and that would be sad. I am not the same as the majority. I never have been and frankly I don’t ever want to be. I think this all eventually stems back to my fear of being forgotten when I die.
I want to do something that will last forever. Just having my own family remember me is not enough because eventually they will lose their memories and at the same time me.
I hate the idea of fading into the background, but it is something I do very well.
This isn’t a moan. This is just fact. It makes me sad to think I am not doing something incredible. And it makes me feel weird that no one else seems to feel that way. How can everyone be so satisfied with everything they have? Do they not want more? Perhaps it is a combination of my age, my overactive imagination and my desire to be anything but average. Who knows.
