» Teen Spirit
Tasha Dhanraj rejects the celluloid rites of passage
Idon’t like films. I’m aware that most people would say that I can’t say I don’t like all films because there are many different genres. But I can. Films are long. I am short. There was never going to be a happy relationship between us.
There are at least ten things I hate about every film. With any film I’ve ever seen, I got bored within about 15 minutes, wondered whether this was as good as it gets, and then felt relieved once it reached the end. I might have laughed or cried, but I definitely would have thought about how I could have used those 93 minutes to carefully prepare and consume a nice steak.
Some films for teenagers are supposed to be rites of passage. I’m sorry, but who is so insecure about their maturity that they need to watch a film to feel that they have grown up? Forget debutante balls, bar mitzvahs and the Chinese Guan Li – have you seen Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? No!? Then how can you ever be considered a man?
“Forget debutante balls, bar mitzvahs and the Chinese Guan Li – have you seen Ferris Bueller’s Day Off?”
I watched that film when I was 10. I definitely did not feel more adult. I remember thinking, ‘well his parents aren’t doing a very good job’, then turning the channel to Nickelodeon to watch the rest of Sabrina, The Teenage Witch. People always put far too much weight and meaning onto films. If they really do affect you that much then your emotions are too unstable.
I’ve realised that if you can get a friend to give you a summary of any film, then you can fool the rest of the world into believing you have actually seen it. Everyone gets so bored in films that they never remember a picture perfect version of any film. That way, you can still seem knowledgeable about films without going through the torture of watching one.
According to Facebook, my favourite films include Donnie Darko, The Breakfast Club and Willard. I thought they weren’t too long, but I think it’s mainly because of what I was eating at the point of watching. I am likely to like anything if I’ve got nice food. I like popcorn. I like Maltesers. If I need to be watching a film to justify mixing them together then you can bet that I will.
The key to releasing everyone from the tight grip of deluded appreciation of films is to sell popcorn and Malteasers together. Until then, I fear I may remain the only enlightened one.
