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Andrew Kay on the art of managing disappointment in the modern world

I have just eaten one of the most disappointing lunches of my life. It’s been a busy week, my diary is bursting, my brother and family are about to arrive for a three day break, and my desk looks like it has been ransacked. I had to pop out at lunch to buy a forgotten birthday present for a ten-year-old nephew and in my eagerness to get things done, I decided to pop into the new supermarket across the road from Latest Heights and pick up an easy lunch.

How confusing it is buying a ready meal. It’s not something that I do often but at work they can offer a quick fix on a busy day. I went down the appropriate aisle and started to ponder the choices. My word, bargains, healthy options, family feeds, and posh nosh in packaging that uses a lot of black ink in the hope that it will appear sophisticated.

‘‘Posh nosh in packaging that uses a lot of black ink in the hope that it will appear sophisticated’’

I’m all in favour of clear labelling and the listing of a product’s nutritional value, its calorific content and its lack of GM products or organic street cred. But pile all that up high and really it’s like doing the research for a PHd rather than buying lunch.

In the end I went for a healthy option which repeatedly stressed what a wise choice I was making given its rather marvellous content. They seem very keen to let us know how good something is for us or how tasty it will be. What they don’t tackle is managing our disappointment.

Yes, it was a let down, I may have eaten healthily but it left me wanting more. Low fat but pleasure free.

I also picked up a peach that claimed it was ripe and ready to eat. Well if it had been a turnip it might have passed muster but as a peach it did not. It was crunchy and tart, as far from ripe and ready to eat as is possible. Oh I know I should have taken it back but it was sticky and dripping, and remember, I am a busy person today.

On the way out of the supermarket a bevy of busty beauties and a token fit lad thronged towards me, brandishing leaflets telling me all about the various benefits of my store card thingy, and with it came a bar of chocolate.

At the end of the day they had saved themselves with a promotional freebie, a bar of choc that, whilst being in no way gourmet, did at least kick start the clever work that they do on free radicals. Aaargh! They’ve even got me at it now, I’m rationalising the act of eating chocolate, justifying it with science. I feel soiled, the pleasure has gone, it was a sweetie bar, a sin, a naughty pleasure and even I want to sanctify that pleasure, make it clean and sin free. I need help. No I don’t, I just need another bar of chocolate.

What’s coming up in the garden this week. By Louisa Bell of City and Country Gardens

Design and construction

On the level
Buying a house is a huge decision, undertaken after a ten minute visit with a biased estate agent. As you walk around looking at the views, you are mentally making mortgage calculations in your head. Can we afford it, could we live with this carpet for now? People start off with a fixed list – “ We must have four bedrooms and detached” – and then fall in love with a three bedroomed semi. One thing that isn’t usually a compromise is the garden. If somebody wants a garden, they’ll rarely buy a property without that outdoor space.

People’s attitudes to their gardens fascinate me. To some it’s a complete priority to get the garden done. They’ve thought it through. They already know that we will probably need a digger, dumper and space to drag through unwanted trees. They also know that this will make a mess. Access can be critical if levels need changing. We will often be able to change levels within a landscape without removing soil from site. This is the ‘cut and fill’ option. However, we still need a digger to move the soil around. If we need to reduce levels drastically, the soil needs to be removed, and this needs a digger and dumper.

Access is needed for skips and grab and tip lorries and the driveway is often commandeered for a couple of weeks. Once the main clearance has happened, life can return to some normality. After that, its men moving soil around and then the infrastructure of walls and paths can go in place.

Even a garden that seems very flat to the eye will have level issues. It’s imperative that drives, paths and patios all drain away from the house and have the correct ‘falls’. If the doors at the back of the house are lower than the garden, the earth will have to move!

We are working on five sites this week, which is keeping us busy! Three are hugely sloped and two are flat. The two flat ones are the more difficult ones, from a level point of view and will be the ones where the most soil is actually taken off site. The smallest, flattest one has a kitchen door that’s a good foot below the rest of the garden. Therefore the rest of the garden has to go down over a foot and lead away from the door.

Our most sloping site – 8 metre drops from top to bottom, and a metre from side to side – is a much more straightforward job of cut and fill, but going from this to this (see pictures below) needs forward thinking by a client.

Plants

Block mentality
The planted garden lets everyone down at this time of the year. A garden without design is a miserable thing in December. The lawn could have had another cut, but it was too wet and now it’s covered in leaves. The borders are full of brown, rotting plants that the frost has finally permeated and killed off. A few apples hang disconsolately from their branch and the last couple of leaves hang on trees like survivors of a ship wreck, just waiting for the next wave of wind to finish them off. Of course, the designed garden is still a thing of beauty, but I would say that, wouldn’t I! The infrastructure holds it all together.

The paths, patios, pergolas, walkways, lighting, water features. They all look just as good now as they did in the summer, and the designer’s planting is so different from a gardener’s plants. We’re not scared to plant in blocks of shape, colour and texture. You’ll never go and put seven of the same plant into your trolley at the garden centre, but we will! The garden will have form right through the winter, and even though things are dying off, there is still enough shape and structure to hold the garden together through these next few weeks, until the lovely bulbs start poking through. A joyful time!

Your plant of the week should really be the group that looks best, not the individual. One sedum will look miserable now, but nine will look fabulous. One clump of grass will have started to bend over, but a whole swathe of grasses will look magnificent in the frost. Even roses that are pruned into shape will add something to the picture. Little joys of plants will punctuate the garden throughout December and I am hoping to have a New year’s day count of flowers, but right now it’s blocks and sweeps of plants that keep it all together. Remember, always buy in groups and never less than three!

Things to do

Smile at the sink
In the winter garden, there are still little pots of plants that will struggle along and flower bravely. My Mum always has pots of lovely little flowers in her house or on the step just outside her French doors. She brings them into the warmth, and they decide to blossom like mad. Yesterday, she had the most beautiful old terracotta pot of violas.

Once they’re finished, she pops them back into a sheltered spot to recover, and brings in something else. I will start buying bulbs every week now. The nursery has hyacinths in bud, and pots of narcissi. Put an old table outside – buy one from a junk shop and paint it – right near the window where you can see it from the kitchen sink or the sitting room doors. Buy five or seven lovely pots of different sizes, or find old terracotta pots, and pop in a selection of plants from the nursery. Use bulbs in a couple, ivy in another and flowering pansies. Group them on the table and I promise they will give you such pleasure through the coming weeks. As Christmas approaches, add baubles and ribbons and string little fairy lights through them. Just one small table for mankind and something lovely to look at, as you stand at the sink.

For all the things in your garden, talk to us!
City and Country Gardens
01273 202115 / 01903 892285
www.city-gardens.net

Give your traditional Christmas décor a fresh twist, as Interiors gives advice on how best to use Christmas greenery

Potted red orchid £30/£47, rose arrangement £35/£54 both Grey Rose by Jane Packer for Debenhams, www.debenhams.com

Many of the evergreens and plants used to decorate Christmas homes are old favourites – ivy, mistletoe and spruce have bedecked halls, fireplaces and doorways for centuries. These days we supplement old favourites with colourful berries and bouquets. Choosing Christmas flowers and plants is an oasis of pleasure amongst the seasonal bustle and stress: This week, Interiors presents a festive guide to cracking Christmas blooms.

Beautiful bouquets and arrangements

Think bold for floral decorations this year. Although Christmas colours remain fairly constant (red or white, glossy green foliage), this year you have license to play with more exotic shades: Black, purple or shades of chocolate sit well alongside the traditional tones. Christmas plants in modern colours make a great centrepiece – a glass tank-vase with five huge white amaryllis, or a ceramic pot of dusky plum-coloured poinsettia.

Christmas topiary, £35, www.marksandpsencer.com

Monotone bouquets and single-flower arrangements (all-white lilies, chrysanthemums and mistletoe, or a huge hand-tied bunch of scarlet roses) make a striking centrepiece. For a more contemporary look, choose striking black, white and red orchids, or well-manicured miniature evergreens.

Table decorations

Traditional table displays should be given a modern twist. Beeswax candles arranged in oriental oblong ceramic trays, adorned with hops, ivy or winter jasmine, set off a contemporary table very well. If space is tight (as it usually is for Christmas dinner!), think small and simple: single white and green chrysanthemum blooms floating in small glass bowls, or individual shot glasses each with a sprig of winter berries, are neat solutions.

Cranberry wreath, £9.50 www.marksandpsencer.com

Wreaths and decorations

Christmas wreaths are increasingly popular. As with flowers, the trend this year is for bold statement, and a hint of luxury. Simple designs are often the most striking: red Christmas roses or berries, glossy green ivy or fluffy moss are very effective. Peacock feathers and glass baubles are also creeping into the shops this year. Check out local suppliers and florists for hand-made natural wreaths, which always look beautiful.

Snowberry glass arrangement, £15, Jane Packer for Debenhams www.debenhams.com

Finally, what Christmas would be complete without mistletoe? This parasitic evergreen, which used to adorn England’s apple trees, is a traditional fertility symbol. With the gradual demise of Britain’s orchards, UK mistletoe is now an endangered species (don’t pick it wild!) and most of what we use each year hails from Brittany and Normandy. Check the source of any mistletoe you buy (or grow your own for next year: www.mistletoe.org.uk ). Hang it in one large bunch, anywhere that your intended is likely to stand still. Good luck!

The Paul O’Grady Show’s Marc Abraham raises concerns over hedgehogs and offers care advice

Hedgehogs are often described as the ‘gardener’s friend’ as not only are they fascinating to watch but they are also brilliant at helping gardeners keep pest species such as slugs under control in their own natural way.

In Sussex, one hedgehog recently even crossed the species barrier to make friends with a much-loved pet, when it was reported that a hedgehog and a pet tortoise had set up home together in someone’s greenhouse! While this story tends to conjure up a lovely image, it also serves as stark a reminder of how our native species are adapting their lives to exploit the urban sprawl which has now severed them from their own wider habitats.

“Hedgehogs have recently been added as a priority species due to their declining numbers”

Hedgehogs hibernate in the winter to reduce the amount of energy used in the months when food becomes scarce as, unlike some birds, they are unable to migrate to warmer places with more abundant energy sources. Hibernation is often confused with deep sleep,however it is a complex change in the hedgehog’s metabolism when the heartbeat will drop to less than 20 beats per minute and breathing can occur only every few minutes.

But they don’t sleep for the entire winter, waking on average every 7–11 days. Recent research has suggested that mammals are so vulnerable to parasites during hibernation that they actually wake up periodically to boost their immune systems.

Sadly, within recent years spring flooding has been attributed to the decline in hedgehog numbers and the milder winters have seen many more ‘autumn orphans’. These are hedgehogs born late in the year that have not had sufficient time to build up their fat reserves. Hibernation is not easy for these late litters and if the young have not reached the critical weight of 1lb or 450 grams they are unable to survive the winter and will need our help.

With all the perils hedgehogs face (did you remember to check your bonfires too?) it is no wonder they have recently been added to the UK BAP (Biodiversity Action Plan) as a priority species due to their rapidly declining numbers. Therefore we need to do all we can to create an environment suitable for our prickly friends – this includes having wild plants that attract their slug and snail food source and leaving alone leaf piles in the autumn in undisturbed areas of shrubbery allowing them to build their winter nests. You could even consider buying a purpose-built hedgehog box from your local garden centre.

So if think you have spotted an ‘autumn orphan’ or if you’d like to know more about how to make your garden safe for hedgehogs, then call Sussex Wildlife Trust on 01273 494777, or visit www.sussexwt.org.uk.

Thanks to Sussex Wildlife Trust for helping me compile this column.
Image: Hugh Clark/Sussex Wildlife Trust

Matt McGuire has a sneak of preview of Relay, an exhibition exploring sound

Come with me now on a journey into sound. Or, to be more precise, sound art.

Nestling in the heart of The Lanes, in the little-known Friese Greene Gallery, is an exhibition called Relay. It’s the brainchild of Julian Weaver and Gavin Peacock, otherwise known as Finetuned, a ‘curatorial organisation’ that commissions and exhibits work that ‘manifests a particular engagement with sound’. A chewy concept, perhaps, dear reader, but a fascinating and entertaining one too. Go on then, read on.

“We started Finetuned because we wanted to help highlight the nationally and internationally renowned artists that live and work in and around Brighton,” explains Julian. “Too often they exhibit in London or Helsinki or elsewhere too far afield. We wanted to bring them closer to home.”

“We wanted to help highlight the nationally and internationally renowned artists that live and work in and around Brighton”

This latest exhibition (divided into two parts) features installations and text from eight artists and writers, all on or relating to the subject of sound. The second half gets underway on 30 November and includes such delights as a silent six-foot church bell built from 125 rings of lasercut MDF, the recording of the tuning of a bell at the foundry that created Big Ben and a set of mic’d-up automated swings.

“The gallery is the main outlet for the exhibition,” begins Gavin. “But it’s also being broadcast to the Ruskin School of Drawing in Oxford, Quay Arts on the Isle of Wight and Farnham Maltings in Surrey.” “It’s all about reaching different people,” adds Julian. “Ouroutreach programme used the slogan: ‘Love art, hate galleries?’ There shouldn’t be boundaries to these things. Hopefully we can engage with people that wouldn’t normally access this type of event.”

As you might imagine, Julian and Gavin don’t have common-or-garden CVs. “I guess I’m a sculptor,” smiles Gavin, whose previous work included ‘Flatpack’, a series of modular units that audiences could arrange and rearrange as they saw fit. “But lately I’ve been working more with video, including the Compton Skyline Project [part of the Brighton Festival].”

“While I work primarily with sound,” reveals Julian. “And on locating the disparities in historical documents. Not to mention researching events throughout history that have links to both zeppelins and pianos.“ Excuse me? “Yes, there’s a lot of them,” he grins. “For example, the Hindenburg had an aluminium and pigskin baby grand aboard…”

With facts like that at their fingertips, you know these are people you can trust to put on a show.

Relay is at Friese Greene Gallery, 15–17 Middle Street, Brighton, from 30 Nov–21Dec.
Open Tues–Sun 12pm–6pm. Visit www.finetuned.org

The Boyfriend and I recently spent a whole weekend in Copenhagen where, by the last day, we hadn’t even eaten out once. Fortunately, on our last day, we managed to make up for it by going to the seaside at Koge (not pronounced how it’s spelt, I can tell you) and finding an ‘eat all you can’ Danish buffet at lunchtime. The Boyfriend, who has a famously disproportionate belly-to-eye ratio (his eyes being about 10 times bigger), ate more than the rest of the restaurant put together. When quizzed about his rather large appetite, The Boyfriend will get a guarded and slightly murderous look in his eye and claim that he was ‘born hungry’. This fact has been confirmed to me by his mother, who agrees that he was indeed born at dinnertime. He certainly got his money’s worth at the buffet – and mine too.

We spent the remainder of the day sitting in the rather gloomy and hideously overpriced Scala bar in the city centre with our luggage and downed a few final pints of Tuborg as we waited to leave for our flight. The Boyfriend’s lunchtime bonanza did nothing to curb his enthusiasm when the BA staff came round with ‘a light snack’ and he naturally had to have two of them.

“We were horrified to discover not one, but two Frenchmen in my bed”

We arrived back at Heathrow just in time to catch the 10.30pm coach back to Brighton and to bump into one of my ex-lodgers from years ago, who was getting the same coach, having spent the weekend away with his girlfriend. This lodger was one that I was especially fond of and, knowing him as he was four years ago, I was surprised that he’d managed to get it together to catch the bus, let alone go to a whole different country, so legendary was his confusion and lethargy of yesteryear.

By the time we arrived home at midnight, we were pretty exhausted and I was delighted to find the kitchen in immaculate order, which was probably down to my highly organised and house-proud son. Now that’s five words I never imagined I’d be able to put together in the same sentence. Unfortunately, upstairs lurked a slightly different story and when The Boyfriend flung open my bedroom door, we were horrified to discover not one, but two Frenchmen in my bed. While The Boyfriend stood there aghast, the charming bedfellows politely enquired how I had enjoyed my weekend in Denmark, to which I replied – through gritted teeth – that it had been lovely… up until now.

Once they were angrily despatched to the sofa in the living-room, I explained to The Boyfriend (who by now thought I was totally mad) that I had told the Frenchmen that they could have my room while I was away, that we were back on Sunday night and they had to be out by Sunday afternoon at the very latest. Furthermore, I’d told them that if they had trouble finding somewhere to stay, they could sleep on my sofa, but that they’d have to phone me and ask me first. They had done none of the above. I’m not sure where exactly the communication breakdown had occurred, but it had and in a fantastically irritating way. Once eventually in bed, The Boyfriend, still tutting and grumpy, said that he didn’t understand how I could spend so much money doing up Landlady Towers in order for it to still be – as he put it – a ‘tramp’s drop-in centre’. And do you know what? For once I have to agree with him…

Dr David Bull is probably best known as a TV presenter but he now lives here in Brighton and is standing to become a local MP

What brought you to Brighton?
I have always loved Brighton. I would come down for any excuse and loved the lifestyle. Its a brilliant place for so many reasons, bars, the sea, restaurants – and such a rich mix of people. About three years ago I was at a drinks party talking to someone about how young people were so disaffected and about the poor provision of healthcare. I was talking to Charles Hendry, MP for Wealden in Sussex. I offered to help him if he wanted to talk about issues regarding young people as I have been working in Youth TV for so long and I gave him my card. He didn’t call. I met him again six months later and asked why he had not called and he told me he had thrown my card in the bin. I liked his honesty and he became a good friend. We had a lot of discussions and he finally said that If I thought that I could do a better job I should put my money where my mouth is.

So you decided there and then to stand for parliament?
Foolishly yes – well not foolishly, I am very passionate about this. The first problem of course was finding the right seat, that is never easy.

So you are standing for Brighton Pavilion?
Yes, but it’s not an easy seat. Labour has been very strong and David Leper has been a very good constituency MP. You need an MP who cares, one who understands you and can represent you. There were easier seats on offer but I wanted to stand in a place that I like, a place where there is a real sense of community and that it is a community that I can be a part of. You can always be yourself in Brighton and I encourage that.

Are you standing in Brighton on a gay platform?
I am standing on issues that matter. I am a very open and very honest person. Sexuality is irrelevant to whether you are any good at anything. I mean business, I am passionate and committed and I intend to do a good job both locally and nationally.

You were first fired up politically by health cuts.
Yes and the care of people generally. Without your health you have nothing, no matter what you own, what you have made. We need the NHS to be there when we most need it. It is an amazing organisation when it works well, but it dealing with the media. Come the general
election it will become a media bunfight. Given that the media already know me, I will have the opportunity to put the Brighton story on the map. It would certainly be amazing to be elected.

Read the rest of this article »

The The Paul O’Grady Show’s Marc Abraham examines the legacy of the first canine space traveller

Did you know that fifty years ago this very month, a small dog blazed a huge trail that would eventually lead man to the moon?

It’s not only a fascinating story, but an extremely sad and moving account that actually began in October 1957, when just a month earlier, the first earth-orbiting satellite, Sputnik I, had been launched by the Soviet Union. Even though there were no life-forms on board this first Sputnik craft, the space age was well and truly underway.

“Sputnik II was tragically never intended to be recoverable”

There were only ever two real contestants in this race; the USA and the USSR. But at one point, the UK also had two highly dependable rockets; Blue Streak and Black Knight, while American rockets at that time were tending to explode on the launch pad, or not far above it. But as so often is the case in the UK, we were too slow and poor to exploit our technical potential.

As all good pub-quizzers will know, Laika, a 6kg bitch (about the size of a Border Terrier), was the first space traveller. Laika’s real name, Kudryavka (Little Curly), wasn’t too catchy, so she became known by her breed name (which translates as Barker). Her launch was timed to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the Bolshevik revolution.

The Soviet Union’s only four-legged cosmonaut lifted-off and travelled at a staggering five miles per second, a mere 900 miles above the earth. The pressurized cabin in her Sputnik II allowed enough room for her to lie down or stand and was padded. An air regeneration system provided oxygen, and food and water were dispensed in a gelatinized form. Laika was fitted with a harness, a bag to collect waste, and electrodes to monitor vital signs. The original story was that she died, peacefully, after a week in orbit, but the horrific truth, which emerged only five years ago, was that she died from hyperthermia and panic a few hours after lift-off. Amazingly, the plan had been to euthanase her with poisoned food after 10 days in orbit; Sputnik II was tragically never intended to be recoverable. She was never meant to come back home.

Laika’s name lived on in commemorative stamps, various novels, pop group’s pop tunes and perhaps most famously in the 1985 Swedish film My Life as a Dog. She appears on the Soviet monument to ‘conquerors of space’ as well as in the plaque commemorating fallen astronauts at the Institute for Aviation and Space Medicine in Moscow.

Laika’s most enduring legacy is the fact that in April 1961, just three and-a-half years later, Yuri Gagarin became the first human to orbit the earth and he returned safely. Another month later, Alan Shepherd became the first American to orbit the planet. President John F Kennedy declared their intention to land a man on the moon. The space race was on in earnest.

Matt McGuire delves into the audio and visual treats that Romania will be bringing to Brighton

Brighton is going to be coming over all Romanian this forthcoming weekend, 23-25 November, and that, my friends, is a very, very good thing indeed.

The fantabulous folk behind Brighton-based Balkan Beats have yet again excelled in luring some of the world’s leading exponents of Eastern European tailfeather-shaking to our town. Mahala Rai Banda are a Romanian band with an incredible sound born from their mixed musical heritage: one part military marching band, the other Bucharest ghetto party music. Awash with raucous rhythms and violins, walls of brass and accordions, the band graced the popular Electric Gypsyland 2 album (alongside the likes of Nouvelle Vague and Forty Thieves Orkestar) while one of their most ludicrously upbeat tunes, Mahalageasca (head to their Myspace for a listen), appeared in the film Borat.

If you’re lucky, tickets will still be available for the show at Komedia this coming Sunday, 25 Nov, so raid your (or a loved one’s, or a passer-by’s) piggybank, don your dancing shoes and get down there. As always, DJ Satellite will be marshalling the dancefloor, both before and after.

But that’s not all folks, because, not content with the aforementioned sonic coup, the Balkan Beats have also gone and organised a weekend of top Romanian films to partner the gig.

Starting on Fri 23 Nov, there’s the opportunity to see the astonishing 4 months, 3 weeks and 2 days. Described as “The discovery of the year” by The Guardian, it’s a riveting and heart-wrenching yet beautifully told story of one women’s illegal abortion in 1980s Communist Romania. Directed by the acclaimed young Romanian filmmaker Cristian Mungiu (“Mungiu has a masterly ability”. Variety), it ran away with the coveted Palme D’or at this year’s Cannes Film Festival. Then, on the Saturday afternoon, there’s a screening of Mungiu’s Cannes-nominated debut, the tragic-comic Occident.

As an added treat, stars of both films, as well as leading film critic, Mihai Chirilov, will be taking part in Q&A sessions after the screenings. Both films are on at The Duke of York’s and are shown as part of the CineCity Film Festival.

This wonderful weekend of silver screen treats and dancefloor delights has been made possible with the assistance of the lovely people at the Romanian Cultural Institute in London, alongside, of course, Brighton’s own Balkan Beats. It will be supreme.

————————————-

Mahala Rai Banda play Komedia on Sun 25 Nov @ 20.30. Tickets £10/£8 conc. available
via www.komedia.co.uk/brighton or 01273 647100.

4 Months, 3 weeks and 2 days and Occident (both with Q&A events) at The Duke of York’s cinema on Fri 23 Nov @ 18.30 and Sat 24 Nov @ 14.00 respectively, See www.cine-city.co.uk

For any and all info on these or forthcoming Balkan Beats events, visit www.balkanbeats.co.uk

Andrew Kay salutes the elderly

When I first moved out to salubrious Saltdean there was dissent amongst my friends. Some thought it brave, some thought it foolhardy, but universally the opinion was that Saltdean was full of old people. It was not, you need to go far further afield to find high densities of pensioners.

This summer I discovered where many of them go as I decided to take my annual holidays in the UK. It was partly circumstance and partly conscience. I will not claim that I was actively trying to reduce my carbon size tens in any way, but I was pleased that by accident I was actually doing so.

‘‘Some thought it brave, some foolhardy, universally the opinion was that Saltdean was full of old people’’

I ended up camping on the edge of Wiltshire and North Somerset with the lovely Marian. Marian is like my big sister, totally judgmental and utterly forgiving. Everyone should have a Marian.

In each others company we can while away endless hours playing Scrabble, Snatch or Elasund – yes we are board game geeks – and with a few beers and some rather nice nibbles we are as happy as Larry. This Larry must have been a really happy chap to have become a national bench mark for people’s moods.

I digress. As well as playing games, shopping for local foods and beers, we also did some heritage. We popped into the local Tourist Information Centre and left with a terrible amount of paper. It seemed that we were in National Trust country and the choices were wide.

The next day we headed for Laycock, an entire village owned by the Trust and a popular film location for costume dramas. It was also home to Fox Talbot who lived in the Abbey, a building of extraordinary ugliness and beauty combined.

Anyway Laycock turned out to be crumbly central, more elderly people per square metre than anywhere I have ever visited. The roads were literally littered with walking frames and everywhere people were pausing to catch their breath. I even noticed that the pub menu had a high percentage of dishes requiring little jaw action.

Don’t get me wrong I like the company of old people, I am almost one myself. Above all I love there strange outlook on life.

As we ambled through this heritage haven we happened to overhear the most wonderful conversation. ‘‘Has Dorothy got over loosing her Ted yet?’’ ‘‘No, have you not heard, she has started to carry a teddy bear around with her everywhere she goes.’’ ‘‘A Teddy, how sweet, in his memory?’’ ‘‘Well sort of, she has stuffed it with his ashes.’’