Latest Homes magazine

Andrew Kay pays lip service to pornography and art

Ever since I was a student I have been facinated by synchronicity, the simultaneaous occurence of events that appear significantly related but have no dicernible casual connection. Yes, you’re right, that is a dictionary definition for something that you may easily define as ‘a coincidence’. But it does seem amazing to me that in a place as large as London I can bump into a sequence of old friends within the space of 24 hours in the oddest variety of places.

I spent last weekend in London and met one pair of old college friends at the Barbican. The current exhibition, Seduced: Art and Sex from Antiquity to Now, was, of course, the common link. The chances of being there on the same day at the same moment bizarre.

‘‘Tate ‘Disney’ is a more appropriate name for Tate Modern, London’s favourite family outing’’

Anyway we took advantage of Gill’s membership and went in. It’s an odd show. Not shocking, really. Most lovers of art will have seen most of what is on display at some time, as will most lovers of pornography. No, what is odd is viewing material of this kind as a collective audience. Erotica is on the whole (careful how I spell that), a solitary or intimate experience between lovers or sexual partners. Here we all were, on a cold Saturday afternoon, looking at a massive collection – en masse.

After a while you become complacent about the content. In such surroundings much of the magic is lost and the intimacy ruined. It must be faced that a large amount, art as well as pornography, is originally created solely for the purpose of titilation. It could easily be said that much of this is porn achieving the status of art.

What I found most interesting was the audience’s behaviour. Throughout the exhibition there are small screening rooms with U-bend entrances to minimise light spilling into the projection rooms. Inside there were seats, but you could hardly get to them for the clusters of people jamming themselves in the narrow entrances, desperate to see but too scared to go any further than the door.

Was this perhaps a fear of penetration? A reaction to the content that questioned one’s level of commitment? Maybe the curators should have provided a free supply of hooded prophylactic anoraks to afford the crowds a sense that they were indulging in ‘safe’ sex.

On a more positive note, the exhibit is not open to under 18s, unlike the Gilbert And George retrospective at Tate ‘Disney’, a more appropriate name, I feel, for Tate Modern, London’s favourite family outing. Here I spent far too much time avoiding three wheel buggies and inquisitive toddlers. Yeuk!

Checking out the online competition

Design and construction

It’s all about YOU!
Having been grounded by this flipping broken toe, I have been Christmas shopping on the internet. It’s been great actually. Far from losing the Christmas spirit, I haven’t had to contend with huge queues for car parks, interminable Christmas carols and shop assistants, with mistletoe headbands and berry-looking acne, telling me my card has been declined.

The internet has allowed me to shop all over the world for all kinds of wonderful things. Instead of traipsing into the same old shops, I’ve bought some great things! Everything has arrived perfectly, beautifully packaged, and often with little notes inside from the supplier.

While exploring this cyber world, I’ve been amused at the garden design companies offering garden designs by post. They have all kinds of services, starting from around £25. Incredible! Don’t these people need to eat?

If you measure and photograph your garden, they will send you back a design showing all the key features that you can incorporate. Hmm…

Designing someone’s garden is such a personal and emotive thing, making this postal service is on a par with marrying a Thai bride. I really love the fact that a new garden is all about the garden’s owner. YOU! It has something to do with hard landscaping, of course, and the need to get around the space. However, generalisation stops there.

New gardens are wonderful things. They should reflect your personality and your décor. We do need to know if you met in Thailand on a beach, at the plumbers merchants or at school. We do want to know if all ten of the family come over every Sunday, or if it’s just the two of you with scrambled eggs and champagne for breakfast. It’s only by talking to you that your true self starts to appear. A very ordinary life can suddenly show itself as extraordinary once you realise there’s a passion in there for Japan, or maybe collecting old Chevy trucks.

Children are a huge part of family life for many years and I think it’s so important to show them the magic of the garden from an early age. We are just finishing a garden in Worthing and the children are each going to have their own small seat with their initials painted behind. They will have their own little raised area to plant seeds and small plants and they can kneel on their seat to tend the plants. Even a small garden can be adapted for you all to use.

I had a lovely email from some clients the other day, after we had finished their roof terrace. It read:
“We had a lovely night out here the other weekend, wrapped in cashmere pashminas, drinking dessert wine after a big dinner. It was a lovely end to a lovely evening. What a place you’ve created for us!”

I don’t think you can get that kind of garden through the post.

Plants

Silver Birch trees
I have been buying and planting quite a few Silver Birch trees for clients recently, and my favourite is Betula Jacquemontii.

The stem is so white and as the tree gets older, the bark turns whiter, and in the winter it is simply beautiful as a specimen against a darker background.

I like to plant them in groups of three. You can either plant them as straight stemmed trees, or you can plant them at an angle to make a multi-stemmed group as they grow. They will need planting and staking to keep them growing in this way and a piece of wood will be needed, placed against each stem, and angled to make them grow away from each other.

Grown in this way, the group looks particularly spectacular underplanted with spring bulbs.

Betula pendula is the weeping Silver Birch and the long branches weep all the way down to the ground. The tree looks best standing alone so that you can really appreciate its form and shape.

Things to do

Interesting Christmas presents
Who wants to go outside on these damp, cold and miserable days? Our lovely garden lady, Fiona, has been working in all weathers this week and doing a winter tidy up for clients. She is also on a bulb planting mission and we have planted hundreds and hundreds of bulbs in some of the new gardens that were built this year. It’s a good time to plant – while there’s lots of space in amongst new shrubs, trees and plants. There’s still time to put in tulips – although it may be difficult to find them in the garden centres now.

Think about buying a tree as a Christmas present. You can buy the loveliest tree, for an excellent price. Turning up at a friends house with a tree tied with ribbons is far more exciting than a bottle of wine and a box of chocolates. Fruit trees come on dwarf rooting stocks which means they won’t grow more than a metre or two high. Most gardens will have space for a small apple tree. For friends with larger gardens, buy them Malus Gorgeous (an amazing white flowered crab apple) or an ornamental cherry tree or magnolia.

In my first days as a keen horticultural student, I bought some friends a tulip tree. I had read about its amazing green and yellow tulip shaped flowers that covered the tree profusely and its beautiful autumn colour. I should also have read a bit more. It doesn’t flower for 20 years and grows to over 100 feet tall. It’s still there in a garden in Crowborough (they moved years ago!) and towers above every garden in the street…. Don’t let that put you off. Just look how long a tree can last when Christmas is over!

Be the coolest customer in the sales with Latest Interiors’ guide to shopping smart during January

Like Christmas, the January sales seem to get earlier each year. Looking for a bargain? Don’t risk life and limb in those check-out queues without reading our guide to stress-free sale shopping. You won’t regret it (unlike some of those purchases, perhaps…).

Rume’s winter sale starts on 5 January with 15% off its beautiful made to order English furniture and 10% off designer lighting.

Rume, 54 Western Road, Hove, East Sussex BN3 1JD tel: 01273 777 810. fax: 01273 777 267. info@rume.co.uk www.rume.co.uk

Stop. Look. Listen.

First things first: this year, if you buy anything in the sales at all, buy quality. Don’t even think about wasting money or carbon buying tat you don’t need. The green theme continues into 2008 and beyond, and the coming year will see us buying more sustainably, locally, and making do when we can. Investing in long-lasting classic home wares may mean spending a little more, but believe us, it will be worth it. And with our less-is-more mantra in mind, make a plan: What do you really need? What could do with replacing this year? And what is your budget? Once out on the high street, keep to the plan and don’t be waylaid by half-price tinsel or novelty cocktail glasses.

Towel bales, from £7.50 www.marksandspencer.com

What is a bargain?

A bargain, then, is only a bargain if it is something you really need. And if you’re after a lovely throw for your sofa (surely you won’t need the heating on so much if there’s an ethically-sourced cashmere throw to snuggle up in?), an oak-framed bed or a replacement dinner service, it really can be worth waiting for the sales. This year in particular, high street traffic has been slow and retailers are likely to try and make good their losses in the sales, offering cut prices on large or expensive items to get rid of old stock and get shoppers in through the door. January is always a good time to buy large pieces of furniture.

Crockery, from £3.50, www.marksandspencer.com

Modern classics

So what else should you buy? Well, many wonderful, essential items may be found dirt-cheap in the sales: plain table linen and good-quality tea towels, plain white or cream cotton towels and bedding, crystal glassware and fine china crockery amongst them. Opt for simple, classic colours and designs – money spent on a fancy end-of-line dinner service will be money wasted if you can’t find replacement pieces the following year. Keep it simple and you will be rewarded.

20% off lamps and accessories
IVY WHITE 45 Church Road, Hove, East Sussex. BN3 2BE Tel – 01273 203202

Household electricals, especially entertainment systems, are often a good buy at this time of year, as retailers offload excess Christmas stock.

Get online…

…because online stores have sales, too – and we love them. No stress, no hassle, less chance of an impulse buy and no sore feet. Websites often have bigger discounts too, so always check web outlets before you hit the high street.

Any mistakes?

If you’re overcome with sales fever and something untoward slips into your bag, don’t panic. If the offending item duplicates something you already have, decide which you prefer and donate the other to a charity shop. Do the same with purchases that (on reflection) you just don’t like or simply can’t be used anywhere in your home: At least that way, someone will benefit, and next year maybe you’ll think twice before buying any more spoon holders. Happy shopping!

The Paul O’Grady Show’s Marc Abraham warns of some unexpected Christmas dangers for the pets in our lives

Christmas is here and should be a fun time for all the family, including our beloved pets. So please consider how our celebrations are likely to affect them, so we can make sure we all enjoy a safe and happy festive season and New Year.

The first question to ask is will you be spending Christmas at home or away? Leaving your pets at home will require the help of a responsible (and sober!) friend or neighbour to visit, feed and care for them. Don’t forget that seasonal plants such as holly, poinsettia, ivy and mistletoe are all extremely toxic to pets, so please think very carefully when you’re busy decking your halls.

If you are staying put and having a bit of a do, then spare a thought for nervous pets when pulling crackers or popping party poppers; perhaps shut your pets securely in a quiet room and check on them regularly. Christmas can be such a traumatic time for your pet, with lots of noise and guests arriving, so please make them a priority otherwise they may get scared, try to escape and never come back.

Brightly-coloured baubles and tantalising tinsel are new and exciting objects for pets too – who will most likely try to eat them, causing all sorts of internal kerfuffles. Make sure any fragile glass decorations are securely attached and out of reach at the top of your Christmas tree to avoid pets pulling them off and breaking them, or perhaps even stepping on the fragments.

“Christmas can be such a traumatic time for your pet, so please make them a priority”

Food-wise, there are hazards galore at this time of year. Most of you will be well-aware that chocolate is extremely poisonous to dogs and cats (rule: the darker the more deadly), and any suspect ingestion should be reported to your vet immediately. Symptoms of chocolate poisoning include vomiting and diarrhoea, increased urination, progressing to seizures and sometimes death.

As for the Christmas turkey, small bones can cause choking and constipation, as well as seriously damaging internal organs. Fairy lights and electric wires will also need protection from being chewed by inquisitive puppies, kittens and even rabbits.

Another common danger at this time of year is of course anti-freeze. Extremely palatable to cats, it will cause irreversible kidney failure if your cat even just licks his paws after walking through a puddle of the stuff, so be warned and check all outside areas and garages now.

Please don’t ever give pets as presents, but if you are seriously thinking about getting your own furry friend, then please visit your local rescue centre in January, where sadly there’ll be loads of new inmates to choose from.

And finally, I’d like to wish all the readers of my column and their pets a very happy and healthy Christmas and New Year! I look forward to catching up again with all of you in 2008.

Matt McGuire discovers a Christmas shopper’s paradise tucked away in the North Laine

I’ve always been of the opinion that you have to go a long way to beat a grotto. They’re just so darn cute, cosy and inviting (except for their tendency to be filled with overly friendly, overly plump and overly bearded gentlemen). So imagine my delight at stumbling across a little haven of fairy lights and gifts – awash with the scent of pine needles, peopled by merry folk and without a chubby ho-ho-hoer in sight.

The Christmas Forestry and Market is nestling on North Road (just up from the Heart & Hand pub and opposite Glazed Expressions, the pottery painting shop) and it’s got a sleigh load of lovely gifts for you to stuff into stockings.

“It’s a lovely, dream-like space to visit, full of twinkling lights and billowing fabrics”

Take a walk through its tree-lined and fairylight-lit entrance and you’ll come across the likes of Liz Lilley’s handmade cosmetics, created using only locally sourced, organic, chemical-free ingredients (including honey from a local bee farm), as well as candles, mirrors and assorted accessories. Then there’s Zoingimage (ex of the sadly defunct Ship Street Market), offering a range of canvas pictures and gift ideas made using Serge’s beautiful original photographs, as well as a range of stalls offering traditional Christmas decorations. And then there are others offering such delights as: speciality Italian cakes; hats, fleeces and other fine wearables; original artwork; handcrafted jewellery and, oh yes, French biscuits.

It’s a lovely, dream-like space to visit, full of twinkling lights and billowing fabrics, and there are even plans to offer mulled spiced apple juice (they don’t have a license, sadly) to warm merry shoppers and their cockles.

But all this is without mentioning their supreme selection of Christmas trees, all lusciously huddled at the back of the market. “Oh, it’s brilliant,” beams Liz. “My stall’s right by them and they smell fantastic. They’re the best ones I’ve seen in Brighton. And I’m not just saying that!”

Locally grown, these magnificent creatures are also benefiting local primary school kids. “Vouchers have been distributed to dozens of schools,” explains Alistair, whose own stall is handily full of Christmas decorations. “The kids distribute them to friends and family and then when they purchase a tree the school gets £2.50. It’s a really simple and effective system and we’re hoping to raise thousands.”

So go on, decorate your house, trouser some quality prezzies and help out local sprogs (and traders) while you’re at it.

Christmas Forestry and Market, 73 North Road (just up from the Heart & Hand). BN1 1YD, open 10am until late, seven days a week, until 24 December, tel: 07795 332 079, email: christmasforestry@mail2web.com

Onions from Outer-Space

I have often mentioned that The Boyfriend is a fridge Nazi. He patrols not only his fridge, but those of friends and relatives with the keen eye of a Luftwaffe General. When we first met, I thought he was cleaning out my fridge because he loved me, but really he was fulfilling a strange fridge controlling urge, which has endured for our entire relationship.

My fridge is not to be messed with, only to be messed-up. Because so many of us live here, have packed lunches, are stupidly forgetful, etc, my fridge is now full of UFOs; that is Unidentifiable Foiled Objects. Well, they start off as that, become Unwanted Foiled Objects and finally Uneatable Foiled Objects. Still, no one bothers to throw them away, although The Big Son has been known to suddenly eat them in a fit of blind hunger when they have long passed the third UFO stage.

The Boyfriend no longer lives with me, but is still round enough to keep tabs on alien activity in my fridge. Often, when he has time, he digs among the UFOs on the overcrowded fridge top shelf, triumphantly brandishing a foil-covered jar of jalepeno peppers and accuses me of neglect. I will, naturally, be defensive, claiming they’re only two weeks old, while secretly fully aware I bought them for Halloween two years ago.

“My fridge is not one to be messed with, only to be messed up ”

I know that with Christmas upon us, I shall have to give the fridge a bit of a spring clean, to make way for tempting culinary delights, which will soon arrive wrapped in foil courtesy of The Boyfriend. Eating is by far his favourite thing and he tends to go into eating overdrive on Christmas Day, eating ten times as much as he would on a normal day, unfeasible though it may sound.

Fortunately, there will be no lodgers – foreign or otherwise – to witness this eating extravaganza, as my new lodger will be going back to Southern Italy this week and not returning until the New Year. He moved in at the very last moment a week ago and will be staying at Landlady Towers until March while he improves his rather poor English. He is a very nice man, but I was horrified when he told me that he was only 24 as he has the manner and attitude of a 40-year-old. He also tends to lurk around a little too much for my liking while I’m trying to cook. It has become apparent that he’s rather partial to drinking my Pouilly Fume, and it’s infuriating when, after necking over half a bottle, he pulls a face, saying that French wine is not half as good as that from Southern Italy. Much to my surprise, he pulled a similar face when he saw my new Dyson Vacuum cleaner and explained that his family business – run by himself and his father – is one which specialises in industrial vacuum cleaners. Then, while I was trying to cook the evening meal, he proceeded to log onto the company website and show me every single model and explain the individual benefits of each in great detail. It’s doubly irritating for me, as I only recently bought a new vacuum cleaner and am therefore not in the slightest bit interested in the benefits of the competition.

There is an upside to all this; my lodger will be returning from Italy with lots of cheeses, oils and cured meats, all – he claims – will be winging their way to Stansted stuffed inside one of his vacuum cleaners. Now that really will be a UFO to behold.

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Andrew Kay calls for us to reclaim our beach

Walking along the beach this morning, exercising the dog as I do most days, I bumped into a couple with two dogs. They were rather distressed at the re-appearance at Black Rock of a large encampment of travelling folk. I’m not even going to to try to categorise which group of travelling folk they might be, nor am I going to condone or condemn their life-style choice. Travelling is what they do, whether it be from historic or genetic roots or from a more recent life-style decision.

The couple were upset that the route of their normal walk from the Marina was now interrupted by this rather unsightly encampment. One of their dogs, an elderly chap, was disturbed by the camp dogs, and access to the small beach where he would normally take a daily dip in the sea was now restricted.

‘‘My gripe is that Brighton’s grip on parking goes by the wayside when it comes to caravans’’

I sympathised, my dog is not comfortable with the camp dogs. It’s not that they have ever done anything physical to offend, but they do tend to bark in a rather aggressive way when we approach.

My personal gripe is that Brighton’s vice like grip on parking seems to go by the wayside when it comes to these caravans. Whole swathes of our lovely seafront are restricted making access to the beach in the early hours difficult. Many of us go anyway and flaunt the parking restrictions but it’s always at the risk of getting a ticket.

So why is it that we rate paying residents should fear using one of the best commodities that the city has to offer, the beach, when these ‘visitors’ seem to be able to move in and live on it? It’s hardly fair.

As I chatted to the couple a lone figure in woolly hat carrying a transistor radio approached from the other direction, ranting loudly as he loped toward us. “Oh dear, we have already crossed twice to avoid this one.” they cried. I took a look and decided to do the same.

So there we were, trying, like so many others, to enjoy the beach. Encampments to the east of us and raving pedestrians to the west. My car is illegally parked on a double yellow line, in a spot where it offers no potential danger or nuisance I hasten to add. With one eye watching the ranting woolly hat, the other scanning for traffic wardens and my ears fixed on the distant barking of caravan dogs, my early morning walk has become an assault course of hazards.

It strikes me that if we reviewed the parking at the eastern end of Madeira Drive and encouraged people to walk there in the mornings and evenings it would feel like a safer place. The more of us that use it the more comfortable we would be. As it is now it’s a windswept no-mans land.

Deck the halls with bells of holly, and lights, baubles, stars, fairies, mistletoe…

Presents, flowers, food… hang on, haven’t you forgotten something? Of course, it’s not really Christmas without the decorations. Acres of tinsel, pulsating lights, plastic reindeer and a twinkly tree. Just kidding (of COURSE we’re kidding – it’ll take a LOT more than another gruelling series of Colin and Justin for Latest Interiors to go all tawdry on you, don’t worry!). What will the festive homes of Brighton and Hove be decked with this Christmas? Let’s take a wee peek.

Extra large glass baubles, £10, by Betty Jackson. www.debenhams.com

A matter of taste

Right. First things first: Christmas decorations are highly personal. Clearly, for some people, Christmas means light bulbs and tinsel. For others, all it takes is a wooden nativity set and a satsuma for them to come over all Christmas-past. We’re not here to judge. But we DO have a particular take on Christmas style (of course). This year, we like simplicity – and quality. We’re loving a bit of luxury – but we also like homemade, too. Natural materials appeal to us. White, silver, and shades of plum, crimson, chocolate and burnt orange are flicking our seasonal switches. You may disagree, and hang your singing reindeer head over the front door regardless. In which case, good luck to you, you do not need our help. Jingle all the way, and all that.

‘Allusion’ decorations, from £2, www.houseoffraser.co.uk

Top of the trees

There is a straightforward choice for trees this year: Splash out on a sustainable farmed (preferably rooted and re-usable) spruce, or opt for stylish, modern pre-lit fake (also re-usable) in black, white or inky midnight blue. The natural option is the most ecofriendly, giving a traditional, welcoming look. Dress it up with baubles of clear glass, dried flowers and seeds, white feathers, twinkly metalwork and mirrors. Raid your local school fair (or bribe your own infants) for some quaint, home-made decorations. This year, we like stars for the top of the tree – but we’d secretly love a proper, vintage wax fairy. A fake tree, on the other hand, is blissfully easy and very sleek, needing little decoration to set it off – in fact, the pre-lit versions look great just as they are!

‘Allusion’ black acrylic decorations, from £2, www.houseoffraser.co.uk

Lights, camera…

Which brings us to the vexed issue of lights. We’re still fans of the less-is-more approach, inside and out. Small, simple white lights are the absolute classic for trees and will give you years of service (easy to get replacement bulbs each year, too). External lights, unless you live in the countryside (in which case the rules seem to be reversed) are best kept to a discreet minimum. For a party night, bay trees by the front door or an ancient cherry tree look beautiful simply lit, but a flashing, illuminated Santa scaling your walls will burn unnecessary energy, annoy your neighbours and probably trigger the burglar alarm. Ok?

Red metal gift box, from £5, www.tch.net

Everything else

Don’t forget your Christmas flowers (two dozen crimson roses, two plum amaryllis or a bowl of unfussy, white cala lilies), and a lovely wreath (wooden, moss or home-made) to dress your front door. The best thing we’ve found this year is our new card-hanging system: simple twine to string across a room, and little wooden pegs to hang them with (supermarkets and stationers sell gold and silver coloured versions). And that, for this year at least, is that: No more Christmas features. We promise. Not until next October, anyway…

The Paul O’Grady Show’s Marc Abraham offers some innovative Christmas ideas for your pets

With Christmas exactly a fortnight away, ‘making lists’ has become top of our list of things to do, as we plan who gets what and desperately try not to leave anyone, or anything, out.

So have we included out four-legged loved-ones in this Yuletide giftfest? Most of you will, I’m sure, have made them your angel atop your Christmas list (probably higher than the mother-in-law anyway), but what is there on offer for our pets at this time of year?

We are so lucky in Brighton & Hove, being spoilt for pet product retailers with a whole range of quality gift ideas to choose from. From your traditional high street pet shop or garden centre offering all the basics and more, to our select group of high-end pet boutiques, showcasing crystal-studded dog collars and trendy see-through cat bowls, no less; we’ve got it all on our doorstep. There really is no need to look online and I urge you all to support our local businesses at this time of year by paying them a visit in person.

“I’m always amazed at the imagination and creativity shown by pet product manufacturers”

I’m always amazed at the imagination and creativity shown by pet product manufacturers as well. This year, doggy outfits seem to be enjoying yet another resurgence as owners insist that their dogs love to dress-up as reindeers, Santa or even Star Wars characters, while of course wearing those obligatory antlers with flashing lights and an elf hat. Personally I’m not a fan of silly novelty clothes for dogs (or indeed cats) as I find it really disrespectful. However, on a more positive note, I’d much rather see more money spent on a pet than less.

Food is always another popular festive choice for your pet. Christmas stockings bulging with pet-friendly chocolate drops, turkey-flavoured treats and edible cards are widespread, but please, when choosing food try to source some healthier organic treats. Remember, the golden rule is that the less changes to the gut bacteria the better, and this especially applies at this time of year, when everyone’s guilty of feeding from the table and giving the odd treat.

Make the most of some of the practical products out there. Weatherproof thermal coats with reflective beading? A comfortable warm cat bed? Even a microchip implant can be the most useful present you will ever treat your precious pet to. They may not be glamorous to look at or much fun to play with, but as animals are more likely to get lost in these long cold wet nights ahead, they may be the one thing that ensures you spend the following Christmas together too.

Finally, can I please urge all of you to think about local animal charities when you are considering spoiling your pet this Christmas? Either make a donation in money, cosy bedding or food, so animals in rescue centres can also feel special too, as they perhaps wonder why they are alone in a kennel this year and not curled up by the fire like the last. Remember, it’s not their fault.