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The Paul O’Grady Show’s Marc Abraham explains the not-so-glamorous world of animal flatulence

One of my favourite scenes (and indeed lines) from any movie is from the Dudley Moore classic 10; the flatulent housekeeper Mrs Kissel is leaving the room and she displays her powerful ability to pass gas in front of Dud and the singing vicar, who explains that: “Whenever Mrs. Kissel breaks wind we beat the dog!” With that, the terrified Great Dane immediately scampers out of the room whimpering.

Innocent dogs can indeed make very convenient scapegoats for us foul- smelling humans, but sometimes it is actually the canine that’s capable of clearing a room without moving an inch.

Dog flatulence – much like our own – results from the build-up of gas in digestive tracts. The quantity and the smell of these broken winds vary hugely according to diet and the individual eating it. The gas itself can come from a number of sources too. These mainly includeswallowed air (aerophagia), as animals that gulp down their food very fast (often rescue animals) swallow air that passes very quickly through the digestive tract – a process that takes about 15 minutes in man – as well as the products of degradation of undigested foodstuffs by hard working intestinal bacteria. Read the rest of this article »

Malone’s imagination is a force to be reckoned with, but her imaginary boyfriend can handle it

I have an imaginary friend. An invisible friend. Well actually he’s my imaginary boyfriend! His name is Jake, but I call him JJ, as his second name is Jameson. Sometimes I call him Jackie to chastise him for being such a girly runner (I never call him Jay as his ex called him that and it really grated on him). I never annoy JJ! I know this because he tells me, and says I am perfect; witty, thoughtful, intelligent, resilient, bubbly and intuitive. I love the fact that he appreciates me. It makes me feel so loved and cared about. He is good with my daughter, always fun and energetic, and nothing is any trouble. He gets up first thing to make her breakfast just so I can sleep in. The other day, he built her a dolls’ house out of some old glass bricks and thrown-away laminate flooring he found in the street! He’s so resourceful. He used to be a handyman but found all the female attention too much. He told me: “I don’t like women in dressing gowns trying to seduce me, offering tea, biscuits and Welsh rarebit day after day. It makes me feel objectified.” Read the rest of this article »

Broken deals and shenanigans whilst the Landlady’s away

While my two Tunisian ladies were staying, I had quite a few nice chats with the one who wore the veil. It was very interesting for me to speak to her about love, life and the universe, as when I have travelled to North Africa in the past, I have never actually spoken at length to any of the women. For a start, they don’t exactly hang around in bars and even if they did, they wouldn’t be able to get a word in sideways for all the men hanging around with – in my experience – their unwanted advances and marriage proposals.

Meanwhile, the other Tunisian lady who was rather hard work, fairly unpleasant and constantly wore a fur hat, was becoming more and more demanding. One evening, my friend Teri and I were sitting in my living room having just eaten dinner, when Miss Fur Hat waltzed in and asked if I had a spare room for the coming weekend. Alas, I had not, as I had a trio of French horse dentists arriving and told her as much. She explained that her sister would be arriving from France to visit for a few days and she would like her to stay at my house. Again, I explained that I did not have a room available. Then my friend Teri – even though she wasn’t terribly keen on the idea – kindly offered her spare room for a couple of nights for the same rate as I charge for B&B. We thought this would be ideal, as Teri only lives around the corner, thus giving the sisters the opportunity to spend as much time together as possible. Miss Fur Hat thought for a moment and accepted the offer with fairly bad grace, as if Teri had just offered to tie her sister up and billet her in a rat-infested dungeon.

"She left me a very long letter explaining that Teri and I – dumb bints that we are – had misunderstood"

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