Latest Homes magazine

Malone’s fear of birds makes her think the countryside might just be a calling

I need a new sofa, a new computer and a new flat. I need a new sofa so I can actually sit on it with my boyfriend ‘comfortably‘ rather than squashing ourselves on to the two-seater; pretending leather is comfortable, when really it just looks good.

I really need a new sofa because I want a sofa bed. A huge mattress currently takes up half my living room floor. If I wanted to sell my flat, I think the estate agents would describe the furnishing as ‘modern’. Yep, like a student’s.

“When will they ever shut their squealing up?! I wouldn’t mind if they started later in the day. I understand they need to communicate”

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The Landlady

Three weeks after the chain-smoking – but otherwise very charming – Saudi finally left Landlady Towers, the smell of his thousand-fag-per-day habit still lingered. I am a former thousand-fag-per-day smoker myself, and when I gave up 12 years ago, I vowed not to become an ex-smoking Nazi as many people become.

In fact, I actively encourage my still smoking friends to smoke in my living room and kitchen – as long as The Small Daughter isn’t around at the time. She is horrified when I tell her that I used to smoke and even The Big Daughter and Big Son struggle to remember me with a fag in my mouth.

Still, the smell of old fag butts in the Saudi’s room was neither pleasant, nor fair to the room’s next occupant, so I decided there and then to ban smoking in the guest rooms.

“When he asked if he could smoke, I heard myself inviting him to smoke anywhere he liked”

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