Distracted Dad
Richard Hearn justifies his child-friendly expenses claims
I am publishing my expenses for this column, due to a combination of my natural openness and the legal action by disgruntled readers that has pushed me into a corner.
Firstly, I admit there has been some occasional flipping of my Second Pushchair Allowance, which has led some to question why there is a need for an expensive Sat Nav, a new Head Gasket and the addition of leather seats. £23,565 does seem a little excessive, even for a Bugaboo Frog.
However, due to an administrative oversight, it turns out I have accidentally been claiming for my car. I blame the partially blacked-out letters (for security and data protection) wherein I mistook the phrase push chair, for ’Posh Car.’ I defend wholeheartedly the purchase of my Rubber Duck House (£1,345.99). It was meant for keeping The Boy amused in the bath (he doesn’t like doing his hair) and it was an attempt – okay, an expensive, vain attempt – to distract him.
“And although we didn’t make the trips, we’ve had lots of chats about them”
The Boy – himself necessary for the writing of this column as without him, I would have very little subject matter – has also been put down as I.T. Staff. Yes, I know he’s only four but he does know how to turn things on and off again which I‘ve heard is the technique, and for this I have claimed merely the minimum wage.
Trips to the Natural History Museum, Kennedy Space Centre, and Alaska, to see dinosaurs, rockets and whales respectively, do raise my expenses further. And although I didn’t make those trips, we’ve had lots of chats about them, and that makes them real in his eyes, and therefore the travelling costs were real in my eyes. Yes, flying my hairdresser in from Milan for the expensive haircut you see in the publicity shot above may seem extravagant. But this was necessary to ensure I was fit for purpose in writing this column.
Finally, I admit to the claim for professional cleaning of a Noddy paddling pool which although being only 3ft square did incur the company’s minimum ‘moat rate.’ It was necessary. Not only was it full of leaves from a magnolia tree, the pool was slightly deflated after being chewed by a fox. Which is, I believe, how we’d all feel.
