Distracted Dad
Richard Hearn and the bits that got away in 2009
OK then, so it’s the beginning of the year. Who can forget that Christmas? Especially the debacle involving the mulled wine and the scooter, and apologies for getting so childishly envious over that cracker gift. Thankfully, I got away with a caution. Sod it, I can’t keep up the pretence. Due to deadlines, I’m writing this in early December, and was trying to warm to my theme.
“Less a Greatest Hits then, more a collection of B-sides. Strictly for the fans. Yes, both of you”
Seeing as I can’t summarise my own Christmas, instead I’ll do one of those reviews of my own year, but rather than cover the best bits, I’ll focus on a few moments that didn’t make it in the regular column. (Yes, amazingly, there is editing at work!) Less a Greatest Hits then, more a collection of B-sides. Strictly for the fans. Yes, both of you.
Firstly, some insider, technical stuff about the writing of this column. I have two Word documents open, the article itself – say ‘Dinosaurs‘ – and ‘Taken out of Dinosaurs.’ (Stop yawning at the back.) When I’m struggling with some section, it gets cut and pasted into the second document. Sometimes, they get added back. When they’re too irrelevant, unfunny, confusing or just plain dull, they remain unused.
Good thing too, now I’ve read through them. Having promised to feature the best out-takes, I’ve found very little of interest. I’m left with just two moments. Let’s have a drum roll please. (It’ll drown out the sound of a barrel being scraped.) My wife, after a Ceasarian, was being wheeled into a different ward by two nurses. One nurse announced she had a paper cut. ‘There’s nothing worse,’ said the other. True story.
The other moment (which once formed an entire column) was me recounting a story which I will call Wagamama Trousers. The short version goes thus: I’d bought a pair of jeans, and then decided to change into them in the toilets of Wagamama. The next week, meeting my wife and The Boy in town, I changed out of work trousers and into the same trousers that I had changed out of the previous week! In the same toilets! Almost exactly a week later! Yes, I know it’s not a great story, but hopefully exclamation marks will make up for it!
I tried at the time to frame that story in a column with a wider message. About how others see us? The appearance of mundane time travel perhaps? Acting suspiciously in a public place? But no. It was never anything other than a dull story about clothing. Good thing I scrapped it. Next week, all the bits not good enough to go in this week’s. Reserve your issue now.
