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Richard Hearn has a genius idea for a new app

“Here”, they say. “You’ll like this.” (The emphasis always on the ‘you’ like an accusation. You did it. It’s your fault. I feel just as tarnished.) Friends, family, work colleagues, everyone around me seems to have an iPhone, and they all seem evangelical about it, keen to show you some ‘funny’ or ‘impressive’ app. I’m half-expecting the milkman to ring our doorbell at 5am and, as I answer bleary-eyed, say, “Here. You’ll like this. Tip it up, see that? It looks like milk coming out a bottle. How it knows, I don’t know…”

I don’t think this is a real app (though if not, it soon will be). But this is about the level. I’m not saying the technology isn’t impressive, but the forced perkiness is like being held hostage in Clinton Cards. They remind me of when I was about 11 and everyone discovered the right numbers on a calculator looked like ‘Boobs’ or better still ‘Boobies’ when you turned the calculator upside down. Thing is, something happened. I grew out of that at the age of 12. (OK, then 24, but still…)

“Obviously the software and technology has to be quite precise, otherwise you’ll fall off”

My advice to my former self would be: use a calculator to add up and, if you still want to see the word ‘boobs’, here’s a biro, write it down. Similarly, if I want to make a phone call (and sure, surf the net, store photos, listen to music, I’ll accept those all make sense) then use your iPhone – privately – for that. If you’re in need of a spirit level, however, what about this radical suggestion? Use a spirit level; it’s better than balancing an expensive phone on a wonky shelf.

A prediction for 2010, by the way: I’ll probably succumb and get one of the bloody things by June. In the meantime, I’m designing an app. I’ve taken into account the iPhone’s GPS capability and the balance/movement sensor. It’s based on those moments in everyday life when you find yourself needing to walk across a trapeze wire. (Don’t worry, you can convince anyone of anything.)

Your iPhone will guide you across, barking out instructions, perhaps ‘left a bit’, ‘right a bit’, ‘stand up straight’. You can even do it with your eyes shut, just trust the app. Obviously the software and technology has to be quite precise, or you’ll fall off into some random chasm, but let’s worry about the details later. The concept and novelty value should get it selling.

I think I’m onto a winner. If it works, it’ll no doubt sell in droves. If it doesn’t, it just means next year’s Christmas presents are sorted for anyone who says ‘Here. You’ll like this,’ while passing me their shiny, black phone.

This entry was posted on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 12:38 pm and is filed under Distracted Dad. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.