Distracted Dad
Richard Hearn thinks about what’s important
This week, I’m having to do my tax return. I’ve obviously been looking for distractions, and so I’ve come up with a revolutionary word-scale that will change the world. This ‘word-ometer’ rates words according to how important they are in a child’s life compared to an adult’s. By ‘child’ I’m referring to a five year old, as I haven’t got time/can’t be bothered to do further research. For ‘adult’ read pre-parent, as being in the same room as your child leads to being influenced by their bad habits, or ‘passive Lego syndrome’.
My pseudo-scientific (i.e not scientific at all) scale goes from one (adult) to 99 (child). Dinosaurs – not a biggie when an adult – I’m putting at 88. Ice cream might be 75. Petrol would be low (10), whereas a car would be 41, still just about in the adult section. Boats (63) and planes (58) figure more as toys than the real thing, hence their position; rockets have not exactly shot off the scale but neared the top of it (91). Digger (71) and cement mixer (76) also feature.
“A lie-in, alcohol and coffee are there as well, so it’s not all bad”
I can hear that tax return beckoning, so tell you what, let’s try animals. Cat (43) and dog (44) have just edged into the adult section. Giraffe (71) and lion (80) are way up there, as is owl (84).
A quick look at those rules again, to help conceal that I’m making this up as I go along. A high number doesn’t necessarily indicate a child’s favourite, merely that they figure disproportionately in their life compared to an adult’s. Chocolate (56) is near the mid-point. That doesn’t mean it’s less popular than bedtime (90) or indeed protractor (85), but it’s more shared.
Bills (3), gas (8) and electricity (11) all huddle pretty low, which means they’re prominent in a non-child’s world. A lie-in (6), alcohol (5) and coffee (9) are there as well, so it’s not all bad.
Some placings are no doubt controversial. A parent of a younger than five year old might question the placing of keys (4), as a toddler loves to chew on a Yale, but by the age of five, the novelty’s worn off and keys have returned to their stressful place in an adult’s day. ‘Bunsen burner’ and ‘anti-disestablishmentarianism’ – words that seem particularly partisan – don’t make the list because they’re for older children or rarely used respectively.
So what sits at each end? This bit will be preceded by a drum roll when it inevitably gets recorded for the radio, or by ill-timed adverts when snapped up by ITV1… I can reveal that at 99 is ‘xylophone’, a word never used unless learning to spell. And at one I’m going to put ‘tax return’. I’d better get back to it…
