Distracted Dad
Richard Hearn has ideas worthy of Dragons’ Den
I’ve decided to become a millionaire. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. It seems the perfect answer. I just need to iron out a few details, then if any Latest Homes readers want to invest in any of the following ventures, contact via the usual address.
The first scheme is inspired by pasties. (I promised I’d stop writing about them, but instead am now looking for sponsorship.) Pasties are famously designed so that Cornish tin miners could eat them with dirty hands, then discard the blackened folded crust. A great invention, but let’s adapt it for office and retail staff whose hands are relatively clean but whose main concern is how long they’ve got left for their lunch break. Therefore, I propose we need a foodstuff with some
form of timer.
“I can produce makeshift balls of string – this venture is called ‘Money4oldRope”
My first idea was a cheap alarm clock embedded inside. (I’ve got plenty of broken ones in the cupboard under the stairs). However, I’m not sure they would survive the heat of the oven and there’s a potential Health and Safety hazard of, well, eating an alarm clock embedded in a pasty.
Then, a beautiful solution: an edible sundial on top of the pasty. Yes, it needs work. It’s useless on a cloudy day, for starters. It would also have to be aligned correctly, perhaps to Hove Town Hall or St Peter’s Church – but this would give it genuine local appeal – and for this, it would need instructions engraved on top (if they can do lattice work, surely they can do Times New Roman size 12 font).
For my second idea, I’ve been inspired by those adverts where people blindly send their gold jewellery in an envelope and look delighted with the resulting cash. That ‘high-end’ of the market is saturated, so instead I’ll persuade people to send me all their unwanted string of different lengths and colours etc. I’m not going to send any money back – I’d be an idiot, surely, it’s just bloody bits of string; there’s no intrinsic value, it will say that in the small print – however, by combining all the pieces together I can produce makeshift balls of string, and sell them on to a local cat sanctuary. This venture is called ‘Money4oldRope‘.
My final idea is a time machine. I’m not any closer to succeeding at this than others, but I do think I’ve formulated the perfect business plan. Either employ someone else on a piece rate (don’t go for hourly, it could take ages), or do it yourself, but once completed, simply make your first journey back to when you started, thus negating any criticism that it’s a waste of time.
I can’t lose. Especially if I’ve got use for those alarm clocks under the stairs after all.
