Distracted Dad
Richard Hearn imagines if The Boy was Chancellor
I was born on exactly the same day as the shadow Chancellor, George Osborne. I find this unnerving. Since I discovered it, I think of him as my evil twin. Moving on, but staying on politics, watching the Budget on TV recently led me to wonder what would happen if The Boy was Chancellor (with perhaps Youngest™ as Chief Secretary to the Treasury). Here’s some highlights from his Budget speech.
“Mr Speaker, may I start by informing the House of one our initial pledges – to be tough on tidying and tough on the causes of tidying (parents). No modern country should face the tyranny of tidying, and that is why, by raising VAT year on year on all tidied away toys we have managed to bring the state of an average toddler’s floor down to a level on a par with France, Spain and most of Norway (not including Oslo).
“The new chamber shall be made up of superheroes. Phase one sees Spiderman and Batman arrvie in 2012 ”
“I’d also like to update the house on the advances in playground fun over the last five years. The data states that there has been a 12 per cent annual increase in fun on slides and 8 per cent on swings, although there is still work to be done on seesaws. (That’s been up and down.)
“A nation’s strength should be judged by the quality of life of its poorer members. That is why, Mr Speaker, I am proud to announce to the House today, the formation of a National Lego Service, free at the point of delivery, as access to quality small plastic bricks is a right, not a luxury.”
(Hear! Hear!)
“There has been much talk by my Right Honourable Members opposite of so-called Broken Toy Britain. Let me set the facts straight. Over the last year alone, over 3500 Buzz Lightyear arms have been retrieved, 450 musical horses re-housed, and over 42,000 small bits of grey plastic – that must’ve come off a comic but no-one knows what they were – have been melted down.
“A new renewable energy source will also be created by harnessing those short distance runs that all three- to five-year-olds go in for. Whether this is spiralling around the aisles in a DIY store, or one of those impromptu sprints on a residential street, Mr Speaker, we promise to develop the technology to store this energy for future generations.
“With the reform of the upper house paramount and replacement for hereditary peers sought, I can today announce that the new chamber shall be made up of superheroes. Phase one sees Spiderman and Batman arrive in 2012, The incredible Hulk and Captain Marvel join in 2013, but we do have to wait until 2018 until Ben 10 has reached voting age.“
I think it’s a vote winner.
