Distracted Dad
Richard Hearn on over-branded electricals
I’am fully immersed in the world of consumer jargon. Last month we had to buy a kettle. This month we bought a new bed. Now our TV has given up the ghost – it had been deteriorating for a while, but suddenly it was taking 20 minutes for the picture to appear. This involves far too much planning in advance, so we needed to get one of those too.
I was aware that TVs were flatter these days – I like to keep my finger on the pulse – but I’ve made myself undertake a crash course in all other aspects. When making these purchases, you soon have to arm yourself with all sorts of comparable figures and specifications. Much of this is absolute nonsense, designed, I feel, to flatter you into feeling you’re making an informed purchase. They’re the individual scales on the back of the Beast of Choice.
Even the kettles now can come with something called RapidBoil™.
“Much of this is absolute nonsense designed, I feel, to flatter you into feeling you’re making an informed purchase”
I’m 50 per cent sure this is something that does exist, but 50 per cent of me feels that it’s just a typical rebranding – a shunting together of adjectives and verbs to form a copyrightable coalition – that was previously known as PluggingItIn™. And SwitchingItOn™. These unexpected patents used to be one of the moral arguments against GM food. A strain of rice could become NewRice Max Pro, and therefore trademarked.
I’m guilty myself: in this column, regular readers will know I refer to our two sons as The Boy and Youngest™. In my comic novel set in a supermarket, the main plot revolves around something called the BadgeWizard 3000™. (Yes, it is unpublished, but if any agents or publishers are reading this, contact me via Latest Homes…) At least I know this over-branding is absurd. Bed salesmen, TV salesmen and, er… kettle salesmen regularly use these kind of terms straight-faced.
No matter what consumer obstacle courses I’ve had to overcome, once
I’ve ordered something, I am chomping at the bit for it to be delivered. Having taken 13 years to order a new bed, it’s difficult then waiting an extra seven days. The same goes for the TV. This is a bit like the instructions on a frozen roulade we had recently. It said ‘Defrost for four hours and then serve IMMEDIATELY.’ (Their capitals, not mine.)
The jargon and decision-making has left me dizzy. My mind is full of Refresh rates (which I was hoping was the bed, but is in fact the TV), but even I know HD stands for High Definition and not the new kettle’s Hot Drinks. But if it gets boiling to the touch within three minutes of plugging it in – or RapidBoil™ as I call it – that better be the kettle.
