Distracted Dad
Richard Hearn on Youngest’s edible explorations
Youngest™ has his first toothbrush. This is well named in the singular, as he just has the one tooth. For all the rest of us, it should be ‘teethbrush’.
His tiny, tiny tooth is his microprocessor, his sensor, his engine, and his brain. It‘s the driving force in everything he does. It’s also the spanner in the works, the probable cause of his red cheeks and mood swings. He is teething. (Or ‘toothing’. As I said, there’s just the one.)
Like a bat discovering the world through sound with echolocation, this is his own method of understanding the world. He’ll give anything a try, everything in the small, invisible circle around him is fair game. Nothing is safe. He reminds me of the film Twister where it sucks up objects. Cows. Trucks. Power lines. (For him, it’s a cuddly cow, toy truck and a TV remote.)
If his tooth is the leader, the brains, the Bond villain, then his arms are the gofers, the sidekicks doing the dirty work. Like one of those grabbers on the Pier that you jerkily operate to try and grab some prize. Except they keep at it, un-rebuffable. Once he grips his target, there’s the inevitable lift towards his mouth, chomping down like a pirate biting a gold coin to test it’s not fake.
“There was a desperate tussle like a couple of cowboys wrestling on a balcony”
Of course, the fact that he‘s teething, sometimes hungry, but always eager to learn about the world, means his motivation for the grab-and-bite combo does differ. At different times, he wants the same object to be his fuel, his entertainment and his painkiller. Imagine if an iPad turned into a chicken curry and then a paracetamol. (Dear Dragons Den…).
I’ve had to change my glasses in the last week. My previous pair had lost the rubber ends that tuck behind your ears and therefore were spiky, so when Youngest™ grabbed them, they were like a sharp weapon between us. Each time, there was a desperate tussle like a couple of cowboys wrestling on a balcony. I got new ones before one of us got hurt. It’s exciting, my life; they’re thinking of turning it into a Hollywood movie.
His experimental tooth would be useful for when humans colonised new worlds. Particularly when they want to discover which foods are unexpectedly edible. Someone must have been the first to try coconuts, squid, truffles, and Fray Bentos pies. That job’s presumably over, except,..
What about space exploration? If NASA want to colonise another planet and need to analyse the local flora and fauna, they can save money on an expensive robot. Youngest™ can do the job. If there is edible life on Mars, then Youngest™ would find it.
Are you an illustrator in search of exposure? We’re looking for an up-and-coming talent to illustrate this column in exchange for having your work seen by 100,000 readers a week. GSOH essential, ability to draw Darth Vader, Lego and pirates advantageous. Email bella@thelatest.co.uk
