Distracted Dad
Richard Hearn wonders if Youngest is a Russian spy
I can now announce that Youngest™ has said his first word. It’s “Nyet.” I didn’t know he was Russian. This is a surprise. I’m not Russian, my wife’s not Russian. My mum’s done quite a lot of work on our family tree, and there’s not many Russians sitting on nearby branches. So, as I say, this is a surprise.
It also means, in terms of his first word, that no-one’s won the sweepstake. I think it’ll have to roll over to go towards his first English word.
So were there any clues that he was Russian? Well, with his blue-eyed, blonde chunkiness, he sometimes looks a bit like a child from a piece of Russian propaganda, perhaps looking off into the distance, dreaming wistfully of a five-year plan involving tractor production.
Late in the day, his blonde hair flattens and he starts to look like a 1970s shot putter smoothing his hair down ready for a posh night out. (I may be doing him an injustice here. Other people say he looks like a cherub. They’re actually the ones who are right.)
Apart from looks, have there been other clues that he was Russian? Recently, spies were supposedly uncovered in America. It had a modern slant with its mention of Facebook pages and Twitter accounts, but it seemed to hark back to the Cold War. Who would have suspected them?
“He also says the word ‘plivdov into the TV remote control. Is it code?”
Therefore, who would suspect a 10 month-old baby? Perhaps Youngest™ is indeed a spy. Maybe they’re recruited young. I’m now keeping an eye out for clues. I’ve noticed the following: often, when somewhere new, he’ll be particularly preoccupied with the four upper corners of the room, where the walls meet the ceiling. He must be checking for cameras. You may say that’s what a baby does, look around. But that’s what they want you to think!
He also continually says the word ‘Plivdov’ into the TV remote control. This sounds Russian. Is it code? Is he communicating back to HQ? And I’ve heard him babbling incessantly in his car seat, only to stop silent when you look at him. Surely that look of surprise is in fact guilt, and he’s been caught out halfway through divulging state secrets.
The Boy told me yesterday: “He just looked me straight in the eye and said ‘Nidoo’.” Now, I’ve no idea whether this is Russian – I’ve not had any luck in looking it up – but perhaps he’s trying to convert his brother. Let’s see how things develop. I’ll keep my cards close to my chest. Maybe I’ll catch him out once he starts talking properly with a game of I Spy. If he starts getting defensive, eg. answering “No, I don’t” – I’ll let you know.
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