Foxy Mamma Malone
Malone’s fear of birds makes her think the countryside might just be a calling
I need a new sofa, a new computer and a new flat. I need a new sofa so I can actually sit on it with my boyfriend ‘comfortably‘ rather than squashing ourselves on to the two-seater; pretending leather is comfortable, when really it just looks good.
I really need a new sofa because I want a sofa bed. A huge mattress currently takes up half my living room floor. If I wanted to sell my flat, I think the estate agents would describe the furnishing as ‘modern’. Yep, like a student’s.
“When will they ever shut their squealing up?! I wouldn’t mind if they started later in the day. I understand they need to communicate”
I have new neighbours. So far they are being quiet, but I did hear some housey ‘four to the floor’ beats from my downstairs neighbours. They better keep it low! Their living room is right by my toddler’s bedroom. Last night I was woken at 4:30am by my toddler screeching. When I went into her room I realised she was being rudely woken by the horrendous squawking of bloomin’ seagulls!
I hate seagulls. Not only do they disturb my sleep, but they look at me with mean eyes. Their eyes say: ‘C’mon swap a fishy for your child, go on, go on.’ They’re like the dogs of the bird world, they hang out in packs waiting for titbits. But the worse thing about them is the noise pollution. When will they ever shut their squealing up?! I wouldn’t mind if they started later in the day. I understand they need to communicate to their family and friends, and they might need to shout, after all they haven’t got broadband, mobile phones, and free national-rate land line calls. I understand. I do. But not so early!
They are sooo loud at 4am. What are they saying to each other? “Oi Boris! Look, look – there’s a window open, let’s fly in and steal odd socks!“ Whatever they are saying they should shut up and let me sleep. Can’t the council hire some hippy guy who ‘talks to birds’ (not the West Street sort). He could send out vibrations or something so their chakras prefer waking up later. Or maybe he could make them mute by playing a flute-type whistle. They’d be nice birds if they were mute, I could handle their beady child-hungry eyes.
This sounds like a child’s bedtime fable. The Man who tamed the Gull of the Sea. Hmmm. I should write it… I should do a lot of things but instead I’ll probably watch mind numbing Big Brother, as after all its socially acceptable to hate the people on there. Whereas seagulls can’t defend themselves and the RSPCA or ‘GULLSRUS’ will probably protest in response to my anti-gull outburst. Actually to be honest I think gulls could definitely defend themselves, they’d get stale French sticks from outside the bakery bins, form a posse and defend themselves very well I think.
If I don’t like seagulls I should probably just move further away from the sea or at least a bit up the hill or beyond. I can’t afford to move though can I? Oh, Woodingdean is calling. Gulp!
