Foxy Mamma Malone
Malone is getting in a spin and wondering about the murderous qualities of her
washing machine
My washing machine has broken. Well technically it’s not broken – it still works – it’s just started putting large holes in all mine and my child’s clothes and while all my clothes are only from Hennes, Topshop, and Primark, they still cost money and are my beloveds.
I love my clothes. I do not want to put their life in danger. I feel like every single time I do a wash I am sending them to their death. Will they come out ragged with holes or not? Will I be able to wear them ever again? “Goodbye my darling, I love you, will we ever meet again?!“ I shout, as the train door closes and the steam engine whooshes past.
I googled ‘holes in clothes after wash‘ and millions of stuff came up! It appears my washing machine is not the only one doing this, it’s a modern phenomenon. One forum even suggested holes have been appearing in clothes post-washing since the drum got smaller.
“Wow, I’m an interesting person. In my spare time, I google washing machine theory”
Wow, I’m a pretty interesting person. This is what I do in my spare time, I google washing machine theory. Do I need to get out more? No, I’ve been going out loads recently and I can’t lie in my bed enough.
I love my bed. I love my pyjamas and I don’t care who knows it. They are fleecy, from Primark and oversized. Every time I put them on, I feel like I’m on a permanent sleepover in an ‘80’s brat pack film – except Matthew Broderick never turns up. He might see the holes in my clothes. Or worse might say: “Malone would you mind popping my 501s on a quick hot wash?“
It would be all romantic and sexy. We’d sit there eating popcorn, him in his boxer shorts, waiting for the wash cycle to complete. Me all nervous and excited that a film star is half naked in my living room and really worried that my washing machine would destroy his denim. I’d go to get the Levis out and discover to my horror that my eight-year-old washer dryer (which to be fair, has lasted quite a while, credit where credit is due – well unless it’s being crunched) had indeed eaten holes in the denim and totally ragged his beloved Levi 501s. I would then sheepishly offer him a pair of leggings to walk home in. But he would laugh and swing me round excitedly saying: “Malone you’re a genius! This is exactly the look I’ve been trying to achieve since 1986, thank you!” Phew.
Maybe I should hire out my washing machine to cool nu rave, electro kids to ‘add individuality‘ to their clothes?
This is the worst time of year for the machine to break down. November is not good appliance-buying time. November is when all the prices are hoiked back up again so that they can slash them the end of December in the sales. It costs a tenner to use the launderette, so that’s a false economy. I think I am going to have to start hand washing.
I am going to buy an advent calendar and count down the days of hand washing to go…
