Losing things dear
Malone discovers that losing money and sleep can seem trivial when compared to other losses
I keep losing things. Today I lost £100 pounds in cash. It fell out of my pocket. I feel sick to the stomach. I am so annoyed at myself for losing it, as my mum gave me that money, and my parents don’t have much to give. I was on my way to the bank and it must have fallen out of the front pocket of my jeans. I don’t know why I didn’t put it in my purse, I think I thought it was safer next to my body. I’m sooo stupid because a few months ago I did exactly the same thing with a postal order my auntie sent from Canada. I then sent a thank you letter to her, only to realise after putting it in the letter box, that I had forgotten to attach any postage stamps!
Am I losing my mind? Is it stress? Lack of sleep? Actually my 20-month-old daughter has just started to sleep through the night. But now it’s me who can’t get back to sleep without help. Sometimes I wake and I have to listen to hypnotherapy CDs to get me back to sleep. Often I need a pee, but I’m too scared to open my creaky door and use the toilet for fear of waking my toddler. I used her potty the other night. First time it’s ever been used! She thinks it’s a chill-out seat for watching TV and supping on milk. I did try explaining what it’s for, but this is probably too much to expect, as she calls ‘poos’ ‘wee wee’. So I am constantly changing her nappy to discover nothing but the realisation that she has probably just farted in my face.
“I can’t get my head round to thinking that I may be parentless by the end of the year. My mum has said she doesn’t think she wants any more cancer treatment”
I had a conversation with my dad yesterday about how he felt about his cancer. He said he was worried about leaving my mother behind. Then, staring off in a daze at the direction of the TV, he said: “Shame we can’t go together really.“ I felt angry at this. Yes, my mum has cancer too and will no doubt be absolutely distraught when my dad goes, but surely in time she could learn to live life without her beloved partner? It made me think – haven’t they considered I might need one of my parents, to have some family around? I haven’t got any siblings, and it would be nice for my daughter to get to know a grandparent. I think at the heart of it I felt slightly uncared for, like they weren’t concerned about me anymore.
I know this is not about me, but that’s just how I felt. I can’t get my head round to thinking that I may be parentless by the end of the year. My mum has said she doesn’t think she wants any more cancer treatment. I know this is partly because she doesn’t want to leave my bedridden dad at this crucial time, but also because she can’t see any point in prolonging her life if he’s not around. I’m going to lose a lot this year, so I guess £100 is nothing compared to future losses of the heart. I hope I gain things too, invaluable lessons that money can’t buy.
God I hope whoever found my cash had a bloody good time.
