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Issue: 460
02 February 10 - 08 February 10

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» Distracted Dad

Richard Hearn has a fail-safe shopping plan

This week, let’s start with a puzzle. Imagine you’re a farmer, and you need to get home, which is across a pond. Stay with me on this. You also need to take with you a fox, a goose and a bag of beans. Your boat only has room for you and one other thing. Problem is if you leave the fox alone with the goose, or the goose alone with the bag of beans, then the former’s going to eat the latter. How do you achieve your goal?
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» Distracted Dad

Richard Hearn finds slapstick comedy in the snow

In the recent snow, everyone seemed to lose their sense of humour, me included. Perhaps it’s normally over so quickly that the novelty doesn’t have time to wear off. Rather than leave the audience wanting more, this year the snow outstayed its welcome.
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» Distracted Dad

Richard Hearn has a genius idea for a new app

“Here”, they say. “You’ll like this.” (The emphasis always on the ‘you’ like an accusation. You did it. It’s your fault. I feel just as tarnished.) Friends, family, work colleagues, everyone around me seems to have an iPhone, and they all seem evangelical about it, keen to show you some ‘funny’ or ‘impressive’ app. I’m half-expecting the milkman to ring our doorbell at 5am and, as I answer bleary-eyed, say, “Here. You’ll like this. Tip it up, see that? It looks like milk coming out a bottle. How it knows, I don’t know…”
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» Distracted Dad

Richard Hearn takes an ill-fated trip to the park

Before Christmas – when the snow had just started to melt – me and The Boy go to Hove Park. “If I stop,” he tells me, “it’s for one of two reasons, OK? I’m tired or I want to put my gloves on.” Along the Old Shoreham Road we step over a Shreddies box, flattened and preserved in a thin sheet of ice. “They should have put that in the recycling or the bin,” he tells me.
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» Distracted Dad

Richard Hearn enters a period of firsts – and lasts

Last week, the New Baby™ visited a castle for the first time. We were allowed to go too, as parents, and so was The Boy but the big significance was it being another first for the small one.
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» Distracted Dad

Richard Hearn and the bits that got away in 2009

OK then, so it’s the beginning of the year. Who can forget that Christmas? Especially the debacle involving the mulled wine and the scooter, and apologies for getting so childishly envious over that cracker gift. Thankfully, I got away with a caution. Sod it, I can’t keep up the pretence. Due to deadlines, I’m writing this in early December, and was trying to warm to my theme.
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» Distracted Dad

Richard Hearn educates his boys in football

If you asked me whether I want to give my sons a life of disappointment, frustration and hopes dashed, I‘d obviously answer no. Why then, am I considering educating them in supporting a football team, when I know what this means? Tying up your own mood with the fortunes of others?
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» Distracted Dad

Richard Hearn calms the baby with housework

Housework stresses me out. In fact, just the thought of housework stresses me out. Which makes it all the stranger that New Baby finds the hoover calming. Sometimes just turning it on will stop him crying. Thing is, he’s not crying because of the dust – he’s not a clean freak who‘s noticed a small mark on the floor. No, the sound echoes being in the womb, so presumably it takes him back to calmer, safer days when he wasn’t out in the big, bad world. (To me, the reason why the world is bad is because of chores like hoovering, and you realise it’s big when you try and clean it).
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» Distracted Dad

Richard Hearn peers into a wet future

The Boy is so keen on getting his own way, and so specific on what that way must be, I‘ve been wondering what it would be like if we just left him to it. So this week, I thought we’d have a break from 2009 (late era) and jump into the future to visit The Boy’s first bachelor pad. Let me take you on a journey into 2024.
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» Distracted Dad

Richard Hearn finds there’s plenty to cry about

When I wake up and feel a bit peckish, what I do is this: get calmly out of bed, wander downstairs and, depending on the time of day, maybe make myself some toast, cereal or perhaps even a more elaborate meal. I do this with the minimum of fuss. Urgency, yes, we’re talking about food, after all. But calmly.
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