Saturday 11th February

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Issue: 563
07 February 12 - 13 February 12

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» Distracted Dad

Richard Hearn is in a galaxy far, far away…

I once met Chewbacca in a caravan. Well, that isn’t strictly true. I wasn’t in a caravan, but he was, and I queued up outside to get his autograph. This was at a village fete in 1978. Queuing also featured when I went to see Return Of The Jedi, and we arrived late at the cinema for The Empire Strikes Back. With films not being shown for ages on TV after they were released, it was another seven years before I saw the first 20 minutes. My memories of The Phantom Menace are too fresh (and painful) to talk about. Read the rest of this article »

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» Distracted Dad

Richard Hearn writes a letter to Noddy

Dear Noddy, as much as I admire your positive approach to life – when we bought your branded slippers in France it turned out you were known by your catchphrase “Oui! Oui!” – I would like to inform you that I feel the need to point out some aspects of your lifestyle with which I disagree. These are itemised below.
Point one: You are a taxi driver, but you appear to live in a place no bigger than a village. (Yes, I know it is known as Toy Town, but the frequency with which you bump into people makes me think it really counts more as a village.) I feel your reliance on vehicles isn’t environmentally friendly. You also appear to have a plane, which you sometimes use to simply fly above the your own town/village. Read the rest of this article »

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» Distracted Dad

Richard Hearn tips his hat to Youngest™

I’ve never trusted people who wear hats indoors. This might be random or a generational thing – I don’t like whistlers either; it works both ways – but there’s something about a hat indoors that seems, how can I put it, affected. Remember Badly Drawn Boy? Jamiroquai? (Insert your own more recent third example here – I’m a bit out of touch). Whether you like their music or not, there’s always something you couldn’t quite trust about someone who never took off their hat. Read the rest of this article »

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» Distracted Dad

Richard Hearn is driven shopping mad

With three friends about to become parents for the first time, I thought I’d re-cap on Things I’ve Learnt As A Parent. Each one is represented by a line on my face that people assume indicates wisdom. (They’re wrong of course; they just indicate I’ve got lines on my face.) Read the rest of this article »

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» Distracted Dad

Richard Hearn is driven shopping mad

One day we’re going to buy that dog insurance. We pick up the leaflet often enough. We haven’t actually got a dog so it would be pretty pointless. Until then, we’ll simply end each supermarket trip by picking up the dog insurance leaflet. Read the rest of this article »

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» Distracted Dad

Richard Hearn imparts some parenting wisdom

I phoned my oldest friend earlier today. He’s becoming a dad for the first time in about five weeks. He moved house two months ago, and he’s currently methodically taking his DVDs out of their boxes and putting them in plastic sleeves. Read the rest of this article »

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» Distracted Dad

Richard Hearn kills two birds with one stone

As a microcosm of my life – and let’s face it, this column – last weekend was pretty much perfect. It involved consumer-related anger plus a visit to a slightly random museum/wildlife area/zoo. I’m sure you’ll agree it had everything. Saturday, and let’s start with the heart-wrenching moment we all face. Yes, I’m talking of course about saying goodbye to a fridge freezer. Read the rest of this article »

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» Distracted Dad

Richard Hearnturns into Scientific Dad

I’m looking for funding for this column. I’d like to feed some scientific research into Distracted Dad, give it a few specific, quantifiable facts to stop it being so anecdotal. I realised this in the park. The Boy had just said something funny about a dinosaur and Youngest™ was pointing a dog when… Read the rest of this article »

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» Distracted Dad

Richard Hearn is stuck in that middle ground

There’s got to be some advantages to being 40. At the moment, I’m struggling to think of them. I’m stuck in that middle ground. In the early years, the landmarks and what you’re allowed, come thick and fast. Read the rest of this article »

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» Distracted Dad

Richard Hearn Has ‘fun’ in Center Parcs

We have just been to Center Parcs. We first went to one of the sites (Longleat) when The Boy, now almost seven, was Youngest™’s age (23 months). The Boy said his first word sentence then: “More steps”. This time, we went to the flatter one in Suffolk. Center Parcs is not perfect but as a parent it does make things easy. It’s a safe bet. It’s the norm to have small children in restaurants, there are no cars around – apart from during their arrival/leaving days – and you’ve got swimming, quite literally, on tap. (OK, I don’t know if that justified a ‘quite literally’, but let’s go with it.) Read the rest of this article »

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