If you asked me whether I want to give my sons a life of disappointment, frustration and hopes dashed, I‘d obviously answer no. Why then, am I considering educating them in supporting a football team, when I know what this means? Tying up your own mood with the fortunes of others?
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Housework stresses me out. In fact, just the thought of housework stresses me out. Which makes it all the stranger that New Baby finds the hoover calming. Sometimes just turning it on will stop him crying. Thing is, he’s not crying because of the dust – he’s not a clean freak who‘s noticed a small mark on the floor. No, the sound echoes being in the womb, so presumably it takes him back to calmer, safer days when he wasn’t out in the big, bad world. (To me, the reason why the world is bad is because of chores like hoovering, and you realise it’s big when you try and clean it).
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The Boy is so keen on getting his own way, and so specific on what that way must be, I‘ve been wondering what it would be like if we just left him to it. So this week, I thought we’d have a break from 2009 (late era) and jump into the future to visit The Boy’s first bachelor pad. Let me take you on a journey into 2024.
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When I wake up and feel a bit peckish, what I do is this: get calmly out of bed, wander downstairs and, depending on the time of day, maybe make myself some toast, cereal or perhaps even a more elaborate meal. I do this with the minimum of fuss. Urgency, yes, we’re talking about food, after all. But calmly.
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Creatures play a big part in a child’s life. Our new baby is only five weeks old, has hardly left the house, but has definitely met more than his fair share of creatures. Or at least depictions of them. I spent part of last week sterilising an octopus. This is not as dangerous as it sounds. It wasn’t a real octopus. Although if it had been, it would have appealed to The Boy, combining as it does his love of sea creatures and the eradication of germs. No, what’s actually happened is I’ve retrieved some baby toys from the attic and a select few have now been bathed in Milton.
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At night, the mind plays tricks. In quiet, elongated, wakeful darkness, a phrase, a memory, a feeling can loom large. At 3am, up with our one-month old, I’ve become obsessed by yes, you’ve guessed it, ergonomics.
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There are certain minor tasks I have to let The Boy do, otherwise all hell breaks out. Let me list some of them: opening the microwave; sticking a straw in a carton of juice; pressing the button on the pay and display (and grabbing the ticket); undoing the straps in his car seat; putting the soap on his flannel; turning the tap on to brush his teeth; pressing the button at the pedestrian crossing.
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First, an apology if this column is disjointed. I thought I was sleeping badly prior to our New Baby’s arrival, but I’d really forgotten about this bewildering level of tiredness. I’m re-reading this now and falling asleep between paragraphs three and four (which regular readers might say normally happens to them).
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The biggest news in The Boy’s life this week? It’s a score draw between his new school having Play-Doh, or the fact that he’s had a number of emergency sleepovers at his Nanny and Granddad’s. He hardly mentions the fact that he’s got a new baby brother.
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So there we were, The Boy was dressed in his Stormtrooper pyjamas playing Animal Dominos with my parents (it would make a poor deleted scene on a Star Wars DVD) and we’d just finished eating salmon and potatoes. (What was the veg? Carrots? Broccoli? Can’t remember. Must remember.) My wife had just been for a 37 week pregnancy scan and we’d been advised and decided to go for an elective Caesarean. The day we had down was two weeks and a day away, and it felt good to have made the decision – nervous, yes, but it felt like a step forward.
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