Latest Homes magazine

Malone prepares herself for a kiddie party

It is now a mere 60 sleeps till my daughter is five. This upsets her greatly. “Mummy, I want my birthday today!” She’s been very patient, only asking since Christmas when her birthday is. Read the rest of this article »

Malone rejoices in the fact that we all get older

I’ve been looking after friends’ babies. I now know how my mother felt after handing her my daughter for an afternoon. I couldn’t work out why she looked so worried, like she’d never looked after a child before. Read the rest of this article »

Malone ponders on those three little words

Have you ever said “I love you” by accident? Hey, who ever really plans to say it? “Today is the day I’ll tell them I love them”. Surely, it’s just one of those things that comes bursting out? When someone does something so blimmin’ adorable that you respond by babbling those three little words. Read the rest of this article »

Malone on the simple power of nurturing

Five years. I’ve been someone’s mum for nearly five years. Wow. I’ve managed to feed and water a living thing without forgetting and leaving it in too dark a room. Actually sometimes that is the best thing for them. Read the rest of this article »

Malone gets another taste of her teenage years

I’m 17 and I’ve been lolling in bed for a week like the teenager I am. I’m drinking every day and eating Twix for breakfast. Lunch. And dinner. Oh hang on a minute. I’m not 17…. I’m 38 and a mother of a small child who’s gone to stay with her dad for a week… I just feel like a teenager because I feel so carefree. Read the rest of this article »

Malone on the gift that reminds her of her past

I went on a date. The date turned up holding a houseplant. It looked like the talking plant out of the cult TV show The Adventure Game. I haven’t seen this show for decades, but the idea of a talking plant must have tapped into little me’s imagination. Read the rest of this article »

Malone copes with a minor ginger cat-astrophe

I haven’t got a problem with them. Hey, a lot of my friends are pet owners! I appreciate the need for some company that doesn’t talk back to you yet offers much needed affection and companionship. I just don’t understand people that buy lovely pets knowing that they won’t be around to look after them.

My friends are trying to buy a cat at the moment. They found a seller selling kittens training to use the toilet. Using the human toilet – that’s probably ‘looking after them’ too much… Today I have spent way too much time googling ‘how to stop neighbours cats from coming in window’.

A ginger cat keeps breaking and entering into my flat. Actually there’s no ‘breaking’ just ‘entering’ (through open windows.) The only breaking is the sound of my four year old breaking wind with utter fear as she happily plays looking up to suddenly find a lion (comparative to her size) strolling around the house, and then racing to lie in wait for its prey under the bed.

“Dripping wet and naked, I grab a broom and shoo it out the flat door”

My child is terrified. It’s only a cat… I assure her the cat is just lost and probably hungry for cat food, not her. Dripping wet and naked (I was in the shower) I grab a broom and shoo it out the door, then I assure the child that it will never return! The four year old suggests I get a towel and put the broom down. Then the next day it skips in through the window again. How? It’s jumping nine feet into our first floor flat! No wonder she’s so frightened – this a paratroop cat! We should send it to the Middle East. (But we should ask the British army first.)

Googling, I find online forums exposing a world full of angry neighbours offering cat deterrent advice which verge on cruelty and madness. One deterrent suggested is a pellet made from ‘Lion Essence’. Yes the essence of the lion. The product reckons that the smaller cat will be deterred by the scent of a bigger cat… Righto…!

Other deterrents suggested are stringing a line of CDs together, which cause reflections of light that put the cat off… Hanging a chain of CDs outside will not only deter cats but also deter rising house prices in the area. I want to stop the cat coming in the window but I don’t want it to look like Blue Peter has decorated.

The child’s solution is “never open the windows again”. The next day I see the cat stuck on a balcony and people trying to shoo it down. “Is that your cat?” I say. Woman nods and then I say something bleary eyed at 8am that in retrospect I shouldn’t. I ask: “Do you feed it?” I meant to say, “I wonder how we can solve this…”. The woman gives me an astounded look and I scurry away home to make a necklace out of CDs.

Malone worries herself about the Royal Wedding

I’m celebrating a wedding next Friday. No not the Royal Wedding, I’m not invited… I wouldn’t want to go anyway – it’s not my thing. And with the world so politically on edge right now I’m surprised the UK Royal family hasn’t chosen to zoom to Las Vegas to get married by an Elvis impersonator. (Instead of hiring the whole of MI5 to sort out their guestlist). Planning for a normal wedding is stressful enough, but imagine the wedding planning for a royal who’s heir to England’s throne! They’ve invited 1,900 guests. “Darhhling shall we have a big cake or 2,000 cupcakes?” And call me a worrier, but… on the wedding day, when the streets of central London are packed, and there’s a million people with flags waving outside your house, how do you then get your 2,000 guests to your house for the reception? Read the rest of this article »

Malone feels like breaking out the jelly cubes

I’ve just eaten a Wagon Wheel for lunch. My breakfast was also one Wagon Wheel. I know this is not a balanced diet. I know I need another two to make a whole wagon! I spend my whole life trying to get the four year old to eat healthily yet I seem to have forgotten what fruit and veg are today. Read the rest of this article »

Malone and the tears shed on race day

We both cried at the Pancake Day Race. After telling me to join the other mums on the starting line, the four year old realised she was left alone. Confused, I asked her why she was crying. “Cos you’ve left me!” Read the rest of this article »