My imaginary boyfriend
Malone’s imagination is a force to be reckoned with, but her imaginary boyfriend can handle it
I have an imaginary friend. An invisible friend. Well actually he’s my imaginary boyfriend! His name is Jake, but I call him JJ, as his second name is Jameson. Sometimes I call him Jackie to chastise him for being such a girly runner (I never call him Jay as his ex called him that and it really grated on him). I never annoy JJ! I know this because he tells me, and says I am perfect; witty, thoughtful, intelligent, resilient, bubbly and intuitive. I love the fact that he appreciates me. It makes me feel so loved and cared about. He is good with my daughter, always fun and energetic, and nothing is any trouble. He gets up first thing to make her breakfast just so I can sleep in. The other day, he built her a dolls’ house out of some old glass bricks and thrown-away laminate flooring he found in the street! He’s so resourceful. He used to be a handyman but found all the female attention too much. He told me: “I don’t like women in dressing gowns trying to seduce me, offering tea, biscuits and Welsh rarebit day after day. It makes me feel objectified.”
JJ has 12 sisters and really understands how women think. Yet at the same time, he’s very shy with women and is rubbish at flirting. He always gives me the space to flirt with anyone though, if that’s what makes me feel good about myself. Bless him, he’s so understanding. I met him through The Guardian ‘soul mates’ website. I ticked the following boxes for the guy I was after: “Witty as a stand-up comic yet a great listener”, “Extremely thoughtful yet extremely manly”, and “Authoritative yet sensitive”.
“I don’t like women in dressing gowns trying to seduce me, offering tea, biscuits and Welsh rarebit day after day. It makes me feel objectified”
I put a big tick on the box “Loves to give head massages and sleep with hand on partner’s tummy, especially when on period”. JJ doesn’t have any ex girlfriends still hanging around: “What’s the point?” he said. “If I still liked them I’d be sleeping with them, not you.” I thought this a little harsh, but was obviously too pleased to argue. He likes the fact that I am still in contact with my ex-boyfriends though, saying he can’t blame them and that he’d want to be my friend forever too. He did add though, that if one of them ever tries it on, he’ll knock his block off, which I obviously love, as it means he must really like me right? I feel strangely comforted that he might get jealous. Ahhh JJ… I love my imaginary boyfriend so much. Strangely, it’s improved my relationship with my real boyfriend – whenever things are a bit strained I just think about JJ. I don’t think this ideal man exists, and never will outside my imagination. I realise now how many boxes my real boyfriend does tick, and how great he is. No-one is perfect – only in dreams – and if JJ really did exist I’d be fed up of the sycophantic lap dog after a month… I think.
