The Landlady
Time to walk… like an Egyptian
Last week, The Boyfriend and I booked a holiday to Cairo. Alas, I had no idea that he was cheating on me – again. With not a great deal of detective work – men can be so obtuse – I discovered this very morning that I was being cheated on. It is therefore very difficult to write this column and not fill it with bile and venom, as I feel very, very angry at the moment. Plus, I’ve had no sleep, due to lying awake all night patiently waiting to confront The Ex-Boyfriend who, I guess, spent last night elsewhere(!).
“I would sooner stick a hot poker up my left nostril than ever see him again”
Once I’d confronted The Ex-Boyfriend – which took less than three minutes, I spoke to The Other Woman (whom I don’t blame at all, incidentally), and according to her, my wonderful Ex-Boyfriend had told her he was “in the process of splitting up with someone” (i.e. me). This is certainly the first I’d heard of it. Perhaps it might have been prudent to inform me of this fact before we’d booked our imminent holiday. Or maybe he could have put a hint in my recent Valentine’s Day present, which consisted of £50 worth of beauty therapy vouchers. Something like “Treat yourself to a Brazilian, and by the way I’m leaving you, even if you don’t have excess body hair” would have sufficed. This gift, incidentally, is the best – if not the only – Valentine’s Day present he’s ever bought me, which is strange, considering he was “in the process of splitting up” with me. Talk about going out in a blaze of glory. I bought him an orange tree and this morning, I was sorely tempted to chop all the growing oranges off it, but thought that would just be a tad churlish. And besides, there were various other things I wanted to chop off more at the time…
I am trying to make light of it, but of course I’m devastated and I never want to see him again. In spite of being 100 per cent resolute about this fact, I shall miss him very much, as we’d been together for more than four years, but even I, who has put up with a great deal of nonsense from men in the past, am not prepared to listen to anything he might think he has to say to me. Lying is something that doesn’t come naturally to me and I find it baffling when other people are able to do it with aplomb. I know that you’ve heard it all before, but enough really is enough. I think it is cowardly indeed to start a new relationship without first ending the old one. Talk about having your cake and eating it. I did this kind of thing when I was much younger and learned my lesson, so would never do it now. But I can’t help thinking that maybe it’s karma catching up with me.
So I’m single again, but worse things have happened. It’s just rather annoying that I booked our holiday on my credit card and The Ex Boyfriend hadn’t yet given me his share of the money, which will be a very difficult call indeed, considering I would sooner stick a hot poker up my left nostril than ever see him again. But when I think about it, I’d rather have lost a great deal more money than to have been treated like this, so it’s no big deal. Besides, what I’ve just lost financially, I am sure, I shall more than equal in the loss of excess body hair when I book my beauty treatments…
