Bare Cheek: 20,000 Days of Nick
Another excerpt from Nick Cave’s new docu-drama, 20,000 Days On Earth.
Scene: Nick is driving along a street at night. Kylie Minogue is in the back seat.
KYLIE:
I think we’re going the wrong way.
NICK:
Put a sock in it, Minogue! We are not going the wrong way! Bloody backseat drivers!
KYLIE:
Nah, we should have taken the first left back there after the garage.
NICK:
Strewth! Look, I know what I’m doing, okay? We just need to take the next right and we’ll be there.
Nick takes the next right.
NICK:
Er…
KYLIE:
Oh for god’s sake! Give me the map.
NICK:
All right – here.
KYLIE:
(Looking at map) Nick, we’re in London. This is a map of Brisbane.
NICK:
It is? Well no wonder we’re bloody well lost.
KYLIE:
Can’t ya put the Sat Nav on?
NICK:
No, it’s er … broken.
KYLIE:
Ah bloody hell Cave, if we don’t get there soon we’re going to be late.
NICK:
All right, all right …
Nick switches the Sat Nav on.
SAT NAV:
(In Homer Simpson voice) Please input destination.
KYLIE:
You’ve got a Homer Simpson Sat Nav voice?
NICK:
It’s er… for the boys. Now let me just put the postcode in.
SAT NAV:
Take the next left and travel for approximately fifty metres. Mmmmm, doughnuts!
NICK:
Heh hey. Good old Homer.
KYLIE:
Nick?
NICK:
Yeah?
KYLIE:
I need a wee.
NICK:
Ah bloody hell, Minogue. Why didn’t you go before we left?
KYLIE:
I didn’t need to go then.
NICK:
Ah jeez – all right, I’ll try and find a dunny.
SAT NAV:
You are going the wrong way. Doh!
NICK:
Shut it, Simpson!
COME BACK NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER EXCERPT FROM NICK’S NEW FILM
WHAT WE USED TO SAY
An occasional series in which we struggle to remember the original, simple, once common terms that have been abandoned in favour of overblown abominations.
WHAT WE SAY NOW:
“In addition to…”
Very much of the “As-I-was-proceeding-in-a-westerly-direction” style befitting a music hall comedy policeman, this swollen ornament is now common usage. Eg. “In addition to being a sex pest, I am also a war criminal.”
WHAT WE USED TO SAY: “Besides, as well as…”
Special old, not-fondly-remembered daytime TV edition
In
• The Sullivans
• Robert Carrier’s
‘Food, Wine and Friends’
• Afternoon Plus
• Looks Familiar
• Quick on the Draw
Out
• About Britain
• The Beachcombers
• Farmhouse Kitchen
• Songs of Praise
(Tuesday repeat)
• Crown Court
