Nangle Natters: Ignorance is bliss?

I don’t know where my kidneys are. I also don’t know how far a yard is. This information just slips out of my brain like a slinky down a staircase. When someone says: “I’ve got this terrible pain in my kidneys, so I’m going to the doctors a couple of hundred yards from where I live,” I put on my best vague sympathetic face and guess that that’s not a long walk. Chiefly because I’ve frequently heard the word ‘only’ next to the words ‘a few hundred yards’ and I reckon that wasn’t sarcasm I was witnessing.

There are lots of things I don’t know that are generally seen as a part of the education I should’ve received ages ago. And the reason only a few people know exactly how much ignorance I posess, is that I’m very good at blagging – which in this case means ‘bluffing’.

My first proper job was working at a computer magazine as a writer. It was an entry-level role so when I had the interview the editor just checked that I had similar music tastes to him, in readiness for office music wrangles, and hired me on the spot. No one spotted that I didn’t even know how to launch Microsoft Word. The thing I learnt from that was if your ignorance is so unbelievable, no one will check for it. For the record, I picked up a number of IT packages pretty quickly to cover myself.

No one spotted that I didn’t even know how to launch Microsoft Word

There’s lots that I don’t know. I give a fair impression of being pretty knowledgeable at pub quizzes by sitting aloofly to the side and nodding sagely, occasionally piping up with an obscure answer that’s come from the back of my mind. I’m pretty good with obscure facts. It’s the ones that everyone else knows that display my chasm of unknowing. I have perfected a slightly distant and dippy smile for my face for the occasions when these come up. Like when I need to bleed a radiator.

I have come to a point now though in which I don’t mind saying: “I don’t know – can you please tell me”. There’s only so long you can give the impression that you’re cool and know stuff, when really all I know is that the fix to the boiler is simple because I’ve seen someone else do it but I haven’t a Scooby what to do myself. Shivering isn’t worth the false smarts. And also – here’s a thing – it’s quite good fun actually knowing it. All you’ve got to do it ask. And if I keep this up maybe I’ll avoid being that person who needs someone two generations younger to work my remote controls. Now that’s definitely worth admitting to a bit of ignorance!