UP THE PROVERBIA

New proverbs and sayings for the 21st century

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day,
Give a man some chips and he will shout hooray.

He who pays the ferryman in chocolate coins had better have
a good excuse.

Rich and horny, Mulligatawny.
Poor and geeky, Cock a leekie.

Be careful what you wish for;
It might not be very good.

Trousers on Monday, bring joy,
Trousers on Tuesday, oh boy!
Trousers on Wednesday, no fear,
Trousers on Thursday, adhere,
Trousers on Friday, unwitting,
Trousers on Saturday, ill-fitting,
But the trousers worn on the Sabbath day
Are checked and cotton and neat and grey.

When you see a transport cafe on the other side of the road, you can wait until the next turn-off and double-back, or keep going and hope another one turns up on your side before too long.

A man who lies to himself, has, at the very least, got his priorities wrong.

See a rabbit – wish it luck
See a hare and run amuck.

Don’t invent the television and then complain about what’s on.

Marry in June, divorce in September It’ll be her arse you remember.

Laughter doesn’t come in cans, but baked beans and pork sausages sometimes do.

There are no atheists in foxholes, but there are plenty who clear away the bodies afterwards.

Don’t invent the video and then argue about what programmes you want to tape.

Ask ye not why the rain falls, or the wind blows, or the sun shines. Instead, ask Aspel.

What’s App-ening
THE LATEST APPS FOR YOUR SMARTPHONE

EX-SOAP STAR PANTO APPEARANCE INDICATOR (£1.99) Ever worried that you will miss Kenneth Farrington as King Rat, Peter Dean as Baron Hardup, or Julie Goodyear as the fairy godmother? Well worry no longer. This app will begin informing you of who is going to be treading the boards at the Bradford Alhambra, The White Rock, Hastings, or the Chesterfield Pomegranate as early as July so you can snap up those eye-wateringly expensive tickets.