Ruby Grimshaw has depressed tortoises

I am pleased and very relieved to announce that the new Tortoise Towers is up and functioning. The whole of the previous wooden fence and the plastic netting on top, used by Ernie, Mr T and Brian to bounce and swing themselves over on, has been completely removed. Since the new fence was erected the tortoises have not staged an escape attempt.

It took me a few days to acclimatise myself to the 18” palisades, fixed firmly into the ground with thick wooden struts. On the first morning I caught my heel stepping over this Berlin Wall and fell splat on my front into their enclosure. I wasn’t hurt but I did feel a bit of a prat. I expect the tortoises had a good laugh amongst themselves.

“…a loud crashing followed by squeaks of ecstasy next door”

However, now that they cannot even attempt to escape, the three of them appear a bit morose. They seem to have lost their ‘raison d’etre’ and have stopped rushing about (yes I do mean rushing) and have even stopped bonking each other. Which is probably a plus for the neighbours – it can be a tad embarrassing explaining to their visitors, who have popped by to sit in the garden and have a cup of tea, why there is a loud crashing followed by squeaks of ecstasy next door.

Maybe I will have to find some tortoise toys to renew their zest for life. After all, when a horse has to be box-rested for injury it is often given a ball on a rope to play with and Archer fans will know that Tom managed to get his pigs to play football. I can’t see my three kicking a ball about but they are aggressive and love to bite fingers and bare toes (not many of them about at the moment). So perhaps I can find a plastic foot. I went to the South of England show last week – yes another sodden, muddy day like the Windsor Horse Show – and found myself answering tortoise questions. A girl was holding one of the tortoises on show and wanted to know if they had teeth. When I told her they didn’t but have very strong jaws and a bite is extremely painful, she was disappointingly reluctant to take her shoe and sock off to see if I was right.

If the weather doesn’t improve soon I’m sure my poor tortoises will suffer acute depression. Since my Tortoise Bible doesn’t mention the condition any ideas for cheering them up will be much appreciated.