Brian Mitchell & Joseph Nixon’s thoroughly scurrilous Brighton column

Reflections on the Royal Wedding

We here at Bare Cheek have invited readers to write in on the great occasion and its earth-shattering significance. Below is a selection of the ones that were legible…

I think it was a lovely occasion – just like something out of a fairytale like Little Red Riding Hood, The Three Little Pigs, or Goldilocks And The Three Bears.
Mrs. D Hopper, Hove

Nick Clegg’s been calling for increased social mobility – but what greater illustration could there be than this Royal Wedding? To think that not many generations ago the groom’s ancestor was a mere Elector of Hanover – and now his descendant is second in line to our throne. Hooray for England!
Colonel F. Peach (Retired), Patcham

I think it’s wonderful that the police upheld the traditional British values enshrined in this most traditional of British Royal Weddings by arresting everybody they thought even marginally likely to exercise his traditional British right to peaceful protest. Rule Britannia!
Simon McKinney, Hove

I like to fantasise about female members of the Royal Family, and – to be honest – pickings have been pretty slim since Sarah Ferguson was young and briefly attractive, so I’d like to thank Prince William or whichever one it was for choosing a consort that is easily a six and a half out of ten. It makes my job so much easier. Cheers!
Bob Robbins, Whitehawk

I must say, when I found out what Kate Middleton’s parents do for a living I thought they must be the only family in Britain who make the Royals look like they do something worthwhile.
D. Parsons, Aldrington

A final five reasons to see Big Daddy Vs Giant Haystacks

At The Old Courtroom, Brighton Festival Fringe, 26–28 May, 10pm

1 It’s not physical theatre.
2 It’s not a dance piece.
3 Its not, in any shape
or form, multimedia.
4 Apart from stage lighting and sound it involves no technology whatsoever. No video screens or projections or holograms. Partly because such gimmicks are contrary to the immediacy and simplicity that is at the heart of all great theatre, but mainly because they ALWAYS GO WRONG.
5 It’s actually really good.
Well-acted and, dare we say,
well-written and funny and moving. And there’s free cake.*

*This may not be true.