Brian Mitchell & Joseph Nixon’s thoroughly scurrilous Brighton column

Choice Cuts

As we’ve already discussed, the government of privately-schooled millionaires have decreed that we should all live a hand-to-mouth existence for the next 50 years and it’s the turn of Brighton Council to tighten its belt, but where should the axe fall? We here at Bare Cheek welcome your suggestions.

They should burn down Brighton Pier too. Then we could all claim the insurance money.
Pete Jansen, Aldrington

The digital display, real-time units at our bus stops could carry adverts from the Friday Ad, such as: “FOR SALE. THREE TIERED UNIT. BEECH 4 SHELVES CORNER OR STRAIGHT UNIT HEIGHT 23INS WIDTH 24INS, VERY GOOD CONDITION £20 ONO. 00273 762327. ASK FOR FRED.”
Fred Paloma, Brighton

I think the best thing would be for a reduction in staff numbers at the council. This need not be through any compulsory redundancies, but could be accomplished over time through retirements, employees moving on to work elsewhere, and some light culling…
Ken Healey, Hove

The children of the unemployed should be used to staff the Tarner Children’s Centre. I don’t see how there could be any objection to that!
Colonel F.T.S. Lunatic, Shoreham

As well as the real-time units, Friday Ad adverts, or “Fradverts”, as I like to call ’em, could be included in the messages found in the middle of our famous sticks of rock, so rather than saying “BRIGHTON” it would say “2001 VAUXHALL VECTRA 2.6 AVERAGE CONDITION. LIME GREEN. SOME DAMAGE TO BACK BUMPER. £750 ONLY. CALL 00273 762327. ASK FOR FRED”
Fred Paloma, Brighton

A couple of issue ago I wrote in to say I thought there should be a higher tax on parkin, the delicious spiced North Country comestible. I meant, of course, to say Parking. Apologies. An increased charge on parkin would be, on reflection, untenable. I do, however, feel there might be some mileage in taxing rock cakes. And immigrants.
Mr. S. Travers, Patcham

Surely it’s obvious! If we all pull together, roll up our sleeves, and are willing to undertake the sort of tasks that it was once taken for granted a responsible member of society would perform for his neighbour, as Mr. Cameron has said, then we wouldn’t need half of the services that our exorbitant Council Taxes are supposedly paying for. For example, the man next door to me has a hedge-trimmer and very kindly keeps both our grass verges tidy. In exchange, every time he goes to see Brighton and Hove United play away, I sleep with his wife, who is no oil painting, believe me. So you see, these things can work. Up the Big Society!
Colonel P.G.T.R Galloway (Retired), Patcham

It seems to me that every year at this time the council spends an awful lot of money…well a bit of money… well about a fiver it looks like… on Christmas lights. “To what end?” I ask. Maybe they should be used to carry adverts in the style of the popular sales magazine, The Friday Ad. One such advertisement might read, ex gratis, “FRED – MAN WITH A VAN. £30 PER HOUR. NO PIANOS. CALL 00273 762327. ASK FOR FREDERICK PALOMA, BRIGHTON.”
Fred Paloma, Brighton