Brian Mitchell & Joseph Nixon’s thoroughly scurrilous Brighton column
Tinned peaches or tinned pears?
“Sitting on the beaches, looking at the peaches”. So sang jailbird, Keith Floyd-soundtracking, new-wave punk rockers The Stranglers. But what did they enjoy as ‘afters’ for their Sunday lunch, with an accompaniment of equally tinned cream or evaporated milk? Was it tinned peaches in syrup or – their slightly poorer cousin – tinned pears in identical syrup? And which is the greater of the two tinned fruits? We asked the usual motley collection of local n’er-do-wells their worthless opinion.
NORMAN COOK
“In 1997 I composed the jingle for an advertising campaign for John West’s peach segments (sampling Billie Holiday and Fats Waller), and consequently received a lifetime’s supply of the product, which I keep in my cellar. I never eat them though – I just chuck the cans at folk I see trying to peer into my private beach.”
NICK CAVE
“Now, when I was a lad growing up in Warracknabeal, Saturday was treat day. First off we’d go to the swimming baths, then to the flicks to see a movie (perhaps Carry On Cowboy or Doctor Who And The Daleks) and then it’d be off home for a slap-up dinner of meat pie and peas, followed by tinned pears and ice-cold Carnation condensed milk. I get a Proustian rush whenever I think of the taste that brings my whole boyhood flooding back with an astonishing vividness. That’s why I’m absolutely 100 per cent certain that my favourite is… oh hang on though, you occasionally get a bad bit with tinned pears, don’t you? A really bitter bit. And that happens very slightly less often with tinned peaches. Then again, peaches can have a bit of a slimy texture. Oh it’s no good, I can’t decide.”
PRESTON
“I used to like tinned pears, but then I went off them. Recently however, when I realised that it would be financially advantageous for me to do so, I began liking them again.”
CHRIS ELLISON
“It’s a little-known fact that ‘tinned peaches’ is cockney rhyming slang for ‘teaches’, while ‘tinned pears’ is rhyming slang for ‘cares’. In fact, in my debut appearance in The Bill in the 1984 episode ‘All Fall Down’, my first ever line of dialogue (barked to desk sergeant Bob Cryer as I manhandled a suspected arsonist into Sun Hill) was ‘’Ere he is! Looking like he doesn’t have a tinned pear in the world. Don’t worry – I’ll tinned peach the little basket a lesson.’ Thus it would be invidious for me to pick one or the other. I love them both!”
DAVID WALLIAMS
“As a heterosexual man married to a top model I only eat Barbie Spaghetti Shapes. Steak! I mean steak, rare, bloody steak, that’s right. I don’t know why I said Barbie Spaghetti Shapes. I meant steak.”
SIMON FANSHAWE
“Well, it’s funny you should mention those Princes (if you’ll forgive the pun!) of the canned comestible world, peaches and pears, because they are the centrepiece of a game myself and my house guests play on each third Sunday of the month. The game (dubbed ‘Tins Ain’t what They Used To Be’ by a waggish acquaintance) involves removing the labels of a dozen cans, namely spaghetti rings, custard, pears, peaches, peas, all day breakfast, red kidney beans, cock-a-leekie, vegetarian curry, tuna, pate de foie gras, and Whiskas supameat. By shaking and listening to every can each contestant has to attempt to ascertain which is which. He or she must then pick two cans, which are then opened and poured into a bowl for the lucky (or not!) person to eat. It’s great fun, though last time we played I was unfortunate enough to select the catfood and custard, and was so ill I missed an appointment to go through the newspapers the next morning on BBC News 24, although on the plus side the nurse who pumped my stomach turned out to be a fan, which is always nice.”
STEVEN BERKOFF
“As a young actor I was, like so many other young actors, penurious, and subsisted mainly on a diet of ‘pot noodles’ which were, in those days, available in the unpopular ‘cheese ’n’ tomato’ flavour, which was my favourite. Tinned fruit of any description seemed to me to be a very far off luxury indeed. In fact, it was not until I appeared in Absolute Beginners in 1986 that I was able to afford a small tin of Del Monte cling peaches. I vividly remember purchasing the aforementioned tin from Fortnum and Mason’s food hall. Alas, I left it in the trailer I shared with James Fox while I filmed a scene, and when I returned it was no longer there. I am not saying for a fact that Foxy (as I called him) stole the tin, although I did witness him licking his lips in a satisfied and most vulgar fashion. From that day forward I have eschewed both peaches and pears, although I do allow myself a 115 gram tin of pineapple chunks each year on the occasion of Shakespeare’s birthday.”
The Bare Cheek nude celebrity challenge
Which advertising icon is Brian Mitchell imagining with no clothes on in the photograph below? Send your answer ona postcard to Bare Cheek c/o The Latest, and you could win a signed photograph (of Brian Mitchell).
A The Milk Tray Man
B The Lilt Man
C The Noodle Doodle Man
D Mr Bradford and Mr Bingley
E Sid from the Tetley Tea commercials
F The Abbot from the KP Friars
G The Secret Lemonade Drinker
Write your guess on a postcard and send to: Unit 1, Level 5 North, New England House, New England Street, Brighton, BN1 4GH.
