Brian Mitchell & Joseph Nixon’s thoroughly scurrilous Brighton column

WHAT’S NOT ON: Stage

MY ARSE BY BEN SQUAT
An extraordinary piece of meta-textual post-modernism. The audience enter to a bare stage, which they are then invited onto, the actors occupying the seats they have vacated. What follows is a reversal of the normal theatrical experience, with the audience, serving as actors, reading from scripts a play about a play in which actors and audience switch places, while the actors, serving as audience members, gradually fall asleep.
Pavilion Theatre, Monday 27 September, 8pm, £15/12

DREAMING OF BARBRA
Cassie, a downtrodden supermarket worker with an unappreciative husband, gets through the days of drudgery by fantasising about the life of her heroine, Barbra Streisand. But what will happen when fantasy and reality mix? And can Cassie really sing ‘Lover Come Back To Me’ at the Christmas party? And does anyone care?
Dell’Arte Theatre, Tuesday 28 September, 8pm, £12/10

FAIRIES, DINOSAURS, SPACEMEN, UNDERPANTS AND FOOTBALL
Attempt to cover all bases for a childrens’ show.
Theatre Loyal, Wednesday 29 September, 2 & 6pm, £10/8

LICK YOUR POISON OFF MY FACE
Self-consciously confrontational and profane dance/theatre piece in which a black skinhead slowly beats a pregnant female vicar to death while a nude prostitute in a wheelchair reads from the collected poems of George Meredith.
Chaffinch Theatre, Wednesday 29 September, 2pm & 6pm, £10/8

SHATTERPROOF GLASS
Modern (ie ‘80s) would-be-sophisticated thriller concerning insider-trading city financer Martin Glass, who attempts to murder his wife by computer. Set in the Costa del Sol and starring two people who were once in soap operas.
Con-All Theatre, Worthing, Thursday 30 September, 7.30pm, £20/18

CARRY ON ABOVE
The ghost of Sid James and the ghost of Bernard Bresslaw debate the meaning of existence in this frankly underwhelming two-hander.
Upstairs At The Four And Eleven, Thursday 30 September, 8pm, £8/£6

YOU RANG M’LORD
Two episodes of the not-quite-so-classic Perry/Croft sitcom, starring some of the original cast bolstered by bit players from all the other Perry/Croft shows shuffled about a bit.
Theatre Loyal, Friday 1 August, 8pm, £18/16

SCHOOL FOR SCOUNDRELS
Yet another stage adaptation of a slightly above average English comedy film, lacking the sole reason for its continued popularity, ie its original cast of Alistair Sim, Terry Thomas and Ian Carmichael. Instead we are treated to the unappetising substitutes of Russ Abbott, Darren Day and Philip Franks in this desperate attempt to tempt people who have fond memories of the original into the theatre.
Athena Studio Theatre, Chichester, Saturday 2 August, 9pm, £15/12

The Bare Cheek nude celebrity challenge

Which celebrity double act is Brian Mitchell imagining with no clothes on in the photograph below? Send your answer on a postcard to Bare Cheek c/o The Latest, and you could win a signed photograph (of Brian Mitchell).

A) Peters and Lee
B) Yazoo
C) Leopold and Loeb
D) Hudson and Halls
E) Ray Alan and Lord Charles
F) Clarissa Dickson Wright and Jennifer Paterson
G) Dr John Sentamu and Dr Rowan Williams
H) Rosser and Davies
I) Davids Steel and Owen

Write your guess on a postcard and send to: Unit 1, Level 5 North, New England House, New England Street, Brighton, BN1 4GH