Brian Mitchell & Joseph Nixon’s thoroughly scurrilous Brighton column

WHAT’S NOT ON: Events

HOLLINGBURY FESTIVAL
A band that takes an hour and a half to set up and then plays three songs, 72 face-painting stands, vegan ice cream, demonstrations of martial arts that everybody ignores or openly mocks, and an indecent distance to walk to the nearest off-licence. Bad weather guaranteed.
Saturday 25 September, 2pm

CABBAGE DAY
Bottomly Farm throws open its gates for its annual celebration of all things brassica – with cabbage soup, cabbage stew, cabbage wine, and stalls selling over 3,000 varieties of cabbage. Enjoy an unlicensed hayrick ride, or work off steam hurling cabbages at local dignitaries (that’s not a stall, merely a suggestion).
Sunday 26 September, 9am

FRENCH MARKET
Stall-holders from as far afield as Dieppe, Cherbourg and Bevendean sell overpriced, stale produce that can be readily purchased at your local Tesco Metro (which, in some cases, they actually were).
Sunday 26 September, 10am

BLACK DAYS
Following the success of White Nights, this involves everybody in the environs of Brighton and Hove going to bed at 9.01am, drawing the curtains, and sleeping solidly for the next ten hours.
Monday 27 September, 9.01am

OVINGDEAN FESTIVAL
Steel band of local infants massacre recent chart hits while you drink a warm mini-bottle of European lager, peruse a handful of car boot stalls and 72 face painting stands, and watch your children narrowly avoid death on a faded bouncy castle with an inaccurate picture of Donald Duck on it. Bad weather guaranteed.
Saturday 2 October, 2pm

KA-ZOO-LOO
The brainchild of local polymath Steve Blackberry, this involves the inhabitants of Brighton attempting to get to know each other a little better and experience a more South American way of life by playing the kazoo in the toilet at precisely the same time.
Sunday 3 September, 5.56pm

WITHDEAN FESTIVAL
Rockabilly band of sullen, balding 45 year-old men playing too loud and for too long, stall selling joss sticks, 3D pictures and beanie hats, someone in charge of the PA system who won’t shut up, a stall oddly out of kilter with the rest of the place recruiting for the RAF, 72 face painting stands, and the pervading smell of Jerk Chicken everywhere. Bad weather guaranteed.
Sunday 3 September, 1pm