Matt Whistler goes one millimetre further

Right, listen up, O yay, O yay, roll up roll up, has anyone got a roll up? For I, Mr Whistler – the invincible super fly guy gonna jump real high extraordinaire guy ­– intend to set a remarkable new world record.

Did you see the documentary about Felix Baumgartner,an Australian daredevil who jumped out of a balloon 24 miles above Earth. After a four-minute plunge, during which he broke the speed of sound, the loonoid successfully completed the world’s highest skydive.

In terms of time, the duration of the jump equates to starting the bath (shallow for environmentalists), putting the rubbish out, setting up the smoothie maker and opening the post (providing it’s a reasonably quiet day). Yes, it takes me four minutes to do all of that – I timed it, the difference being I didn’t break the speed of sound.

So what’s the announcement? I’m glad you asked! I intend to break this record by one millimetre. I am currently building a huge ruler to measure the attempt and seeking out a balloon sponsor, preferably not a clown’s balloon as that may end up in more of a rocket experience rather than speed balling it to planet Earth aiming to land on the designated bull’s eye made from a pot of red paint.

I am scared of heights and still traumatised by the last bungee jump in Hove, but if I go one step higher on the step ladders every day and put a miniature globe on the floor for me to stare at, the visualisation may make it a reality.

I’ve just been to the Julie-Anne Gilbert gallery to chuck in a canvas triptych for auction at the Willow Foundation… it’s a right old challenge squeezing art onto a 20×20 canvas, such a dinky space, I think I cracked it. Yes, got it! The world’s highest jump to land on the world’s biggest canvas, while squeezing the painting out of a tube just before landing.