Lynn Ruth Miller
The San Franciso-based writer finds advertising has entered a new age
The mantra in America is buy, buy, buy. Our religion is the profit motive and we worship the dollar. After all, entrepreneurs are the backbone of the economy. Everyone knows that.
“It’s the patriotic thing to do. Need or costs are not considerations”
All loyal Americans buy things. It is the patriotic thing to do. Need or cost are not considerations.
We can store whatever it is in the garage and pay for it with plastic. Once we hear about a new product, we know our duty. We hurry to the nearest shopping mall and buy it.
Nothing is sacred when it comes to advertising in the United States. We smear product promotions on billboards that clutter every highway. We display them in shop windows and on our automobiles. No blank surface is safe from our advertising moguls.
That is why it is no surprise that a company called Star Toilet Paper is marketing ads on bathroom tissue. Their motto, “Look before you flush” is a red flag to eager American shoppers. What a marvelous use of wasted time! You no longer need to stare at graffiti on stall doors or ads to report elder abuse. No sir! As you do your business, you can contemplate irresistible bargains like a free cupcake if you buy two at Basken Robbins or a 15 inch pepperoni pizza delivered to your bathroom door.
The opportunities for creative retailers are endless. Sunsweet Prunes: “In and out in record time.” Coffeehouses could create their own restroom blend: A revolutionary brew to calm your nerves and excite your colon. TP ads are a natural for hemorrhoid creams: How about All-Bran Cereal: “A Little munch will do you”. Or tissue: “Never underestimate the power of a velvet touch”.
The health industry has a golden opportunity here. For starters, fruit: “Nature’s way to get up and go”; cabbage: “for a guaranteed blow out”; Acme Barbecue Sauce “for a hot move” or bananas for the ultimate plug”.
Not to be outdone, the Australians came up with S***ter, a personalised toilet roll of your own Twitter feeds. This is an amazing concept but it just might put off the more conservative element of their society, especially the older generation.
The truth is, the senior segment of any group are huge consumers of bathroom tissue and I wonder if they want to be reminded of their excessive usage, printed or plain.
I doubt that they will tweet about their personal needs and if they do, I suspect they will want to be a bit more subtle.
S***ter certainly tells it like it is, but most of us prefer to delude ourselves when it comes to private functions, don’t we?
I have to say the Americans have a definite edge with their concept: Star Toilet Paper is very affordable and everyone loves a bargain. You get a lot more squares for your buck with the Star product. If you are an advertiser, you can get your ads on a roll for $99 with targeted ads aimed at special markets. The company promises to zero in on your potential customers: sedate ads for library loo’s (read: to fill those empty moments), alcohol teasers in pubs (beer for a buzz and a flush). The possibilities are endless.
The only worry is once you wipe, the ad is gone… dissolved into the sewage and swept into the landfill… no more than a memory of what you could have bought if you could only remember the brand.
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last 15 years on the toilet. – Alan King
Essential reading
After a delightful lunch at a local cafe, I decided to visit the ladies before continuing with my day. The line waiting for the toilet was endless and after a 15 minute wait, I asked the woman at the head of the line if someone was sick in there. She blushed and said, “No, it’s my son. I heard they have ads on the toilet paper here and I sent him into the toilet to practise his reading.”
Discounts all round
Not too long ago I spied a coupon for my favorite toilet cleaner on the roll of bathroom tissue. I saved the square and then I noticed a two-for-one offer on wholewheat bread. As I unrolled the ads I saw a wonderful offer for fruit baskets at a local market. When I finished my business I had crammed so many squares in my bag to use at the local merchants that I had reduced the roll to half. It seemed a wonderful way to accomplish so many things at one sitting.
