Bare Cheek: All the new apps for your smartphone

What’s ‘App’ening

EXCUSE ME (69p)
Ever at a loss for an excuse for lateness, absence, or the non-existence of work you’re supposed to have done? Ever been desperate to get away from an interminable phone call from your brother-in-law in Preston, but been unable to think of anything? Well, worry no longer, because ‘Excuse Me’ is here to save the day. ‘Excuse Me’ offers a bespoke excuse for any situation, from the evergreens “the dog ate it”, “traffic on the A23 was terrible”, and “I’d better ring off now; there’s someone at the door” to the more esoteric “I had to perform CPR on a Carmelite nun who collapsed after seeing a streaker on the Bakerloo line.” Yes – there’s no excuse for not buying ‘Excuse Me’.

TO PEE OR NOT TO PEE (£2.49)
We’ve all been there – you’re sitting in the multiplex 20 minutes into the latest Tom Cruise thriller busting
for a slash, but you daren’t go in case there’s a plot twist or bit of exposition while you’re away, and then, when you come back, you won’t know what’s going on. With this fabulously-useful app you simply input the name of the movie and are informed when you will be able to safely micturate during a boring love scene or long chase sequence.

TOLD YOU SO (49p)
Sometimes the whole thing comes crashing down about you and, as you prepare yourself for divorce, prison, ruin, or all three, there is no small, clear voice to say “I told you so”. Well now there is; this app can repeat the phrase, in either male or female tones, with varying degrees of reproach. Also available: ‘I Don’t Want To Say ‘I Told You So’ But…’

FRIED EGG (£3.99)
Want a fried egg with your meal, but worried about cholesterol? Simply place your phone on your plate, and voila – a perfect fried egg (either over easy or sunny side up) that “bites” can be taken from by swiping your touchscreen. Also available: black pudding, tinned tomatoes, fried slice, baked beans.

WHAT’S NOT ON

Scratch (work in progress)

Pinch, by Andrea Cavendish
In this darkly-comic urban tale, seven characters’ lives intertwine. A priest, a footballer, a drug dealer, a prostitute, a pork butcher, a poet, and a ghost. Who is real and who is not?

And Not Please Others Let Go, by Anna Peckit
This improvised dance/theatre piece is based around the 1992 novel of the same name by Brazilian writer Bruna Claudia. Features strobe-lighting and nudity.

Nutter by Jim Governer
Wee Eck’s mammy and da have abandoned him to an uncaring world, in which he can only react with the violence that is the only thing he has ever known. Features real blood and incomprehensible Glaswegian accents.

Sick by Lucy Wade
A darkly-comic tale of a man, a dog, a transvestite, a pregnant wife, an escaped murderer, a government minister, a surgeon and a packet of cheese and onion crisps.

Haven’t Thought of a Title Yet by Ben Pardoe
A thing happens with a thing and another thing. And then another thing.

Nightingsnail Theatre, 1st March £10/£9

Edward De Bonehead’s Lateral Thinking Puzzles

NO. 11: THE PAINTED HOUSES
One day a man decides to paint his house blue. He does so. Immediately his neighbour across the road paints his house green. The original man then paints his house red. The neighbour reacts to this by painting his house yellow. The original man then paints his house purple. When his neighbour sees what he has done, he goes round to his house with a Magnum 44 and shoots him in the head. Why?

SOLUTION TO THE LAST PUZZLE:
The cake with “POISONED” written on it wasn’t poisoned, nor was the cake with “NOT POISONED” on it. The poison was actually slow-acting poison in the cup of coffee that Jacob had had for breakfast.