Bare cheek: Etiquette with Hetty Kwet

Dear Hetty,
My husband of 63 years suddenly died quite recently, and (as per his instructions) I am going to put an announcement in the local paper.

The paper has enquired which typographical “font” I wish to use. My Kenneth was an old-fashioned sort of a chap, almost to a fault, so I was thinking of Times New Roman or possibly Helvetica. Please help, as if I accidentally did something vulgar I’m sure Kenneth’s shade would writher forever in eternal agony and mortification.
Thank you very much in advance,
Alice Hornchurch, Hove

Dear Alice,
I have researched this matter extremely thoroughly, and have come to the conclusion that the most properly sombre and dignified “font” for you to use is called Comic Sans. I hope that this is of help,
Hetty X

A local vicar writes

With Rev. Timothy Hopkins, vicar of
St Stephen and All Saints Church

Hello all. You know, parishioners often come up tome these days and say, ‘vicar, in these days of poverty and misery, when thousands of the poor and disadvantaged are bled dry to fill the pockets of the rich, when children go hungry, and the streets of our cities are littered with those who cannot afford even the meanest accommodation, what can the church do to help? How can there be a God if he allows these things to happen?”

Well, if anyone can think of an answer to these questions I’d be very grateful, as I’m bleeding well stumped. Please drop me an email at Ststephensallsaints@hotmail or send a tweet to my all-new Twitter account @RevTim. Cheers!

On this day…

In 1922 Martin Stavely (39) of Peacehaven became the first man in the United Kingdom to marry himself. “I hope we’ll be very happy together,” quipped Stavely, seconds before being torn apart by an angry mob.

In 1943 the world’s only recorded surviving quintuplets were born in Hollingbury. They grew up to be none other than ‘60s beat group Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mich, and Titch.

In 1950, notorious Nazi war criminal Heinrich Himmler was discovered in a Saltdean beach hut, where he had been hiding for five years. After a long chase, the former Reichsfuhrer commandered a pedal boat, in which he escaped to South America.

In 1980, the last ever telegram was sent, from Lord Laurence Olivier in Kemp Town, Brighton to his wife,actress Joan Plowright, in London. The telegram read “Forgot peas. Stop. Can you pick some up?”

In 1997 a articulated lorry containing 15,000 gallons of custard crashed into a lorry containing two tonnes of jelly near the pier on the seafront. Unfortunately twelve people died and neither the police or ambulance services responded to calls as both believed them to be the beginning of a Two Ronnies joke.