Bare cheek: What was that?

Mike Hunter is the man with the answers

Can’t remember the name of a book, song, film or thing? Then Ask Mike!

Dear Mike,
I am an expert in popular culture at East Sussex University. I know everything there is to know about British Post-War comedy from ‘The Glums’ to ‘The Goons’, from Arthur Haynes to Arthur Askey. Yet, last week, one of my students presented a seminar on a long-running franchise of British film comedies that had somehow slipped my notice.

These comedies, spanning the ‘50s, ‘60s and ‘70s and all employing, sometimes clumsily or inappropriately, the same two-word idiom in their titles, were written and directed by the same team and starred a company of many of the leading comedians of the day, including a camp, little, thin man; another camp, little, thin man with spectacles; a gruff, raisin-faced sex maniac; a tall, gawky romantic lead; a great big tall, stupid man; and an assortment of fat women and dolly birds. The stories ranged widely from light, contemporary satire to historical parody, and the humour can best be described as innocent smut.

Now, I never pay much heed to my students’ seminars, so I did not quite catch the series’ title. But I have since scoured every single authoritative tome on the popular film of this period that I have written, and can find no clue. Please, please, please help, before my professional reputation is shredded, and my students are forced to devote their scholarship to something worthwhile, like English literature.
Yours,
Prof. Andy Midhurst.

Dear Andy,
‘Don’t Lose Your Head’ – your professional reputation will continue ‘Regardless’, but I am here to help. You’ll probably kick yourself ‘Up The Khyber’ and run around ‘Screaming’ till they call the ‘Doctor’ when I tell you that the film series in question was none other than Protect And Survive, narrated by Patrick Allen.
See ya!
Mike.

The Bare Cheek Kickstarter Project

BACKERS: 0
GOAL: £5,000,000
We here at Bare Cheek are always keen to try new, innovative things, so we’ve decided to jump on the bandwagon and do a Kickstarter thing, just like everyone else.

We are looking for £500,000 to finance a joke. This joke, in which we pretend that Treason Show supremo Mark Brailsford is interviewing local council member Jason Kitcat under the misapprehension that he has some connection with the chocolate bar whose name his surname resembles, will appear in issue 650. It will be approximately 550 words long, and illustrated with a badly- photoshopped photograph. This joke will be entirely original, sourced directly from the brains of Brian Mitchell and Joseph Nixon, and printed in full colour in the finest inks on recycled paper along with a lot of other stuff in a limited edition of 300,000 copies.

WHAT YOUR MONEY GETS YOU

£1 DONATION
A copy of Latest 7 magazine issue 650 ABSOLUTELY FREE.

£5 DONATION
A copy of issue 650 and YOUR NAME printed somewhere in the magazine. Possibly.

£10 DONATION
A copy of issue 650, your name printed somewhere in the magazine, and one of Bill Smith’s old baseball caps.

£100 DONATION
All of the above plus your own, PERSONAL, hand-tooled joke. This joke will be yours alone to keep and cherish. It may be a swipe at “Dr.” David Bramwell, or an hilarious reference to a 1970s children’s TV show that nobody remembers.

£250 DONATION
All of the above plus Mitchell and Nixon will actually come round and TIDY YOUR HOUSE. That’s right – Brighton’s two least celebrated comedy playwrights will wash up and do a little light hoovering, all the while keeping you entertained with quips and impersonations (Stuart Hall, Philip Larkin, Derek Guyler.)

£500 DONATION
Same as above but in the nude.

£2,500 DONATION
All of the above plus lunch at Belcher’s cafe with Brian Mitchell and Joseph Nixon. Yes, you can share a meal of eggs, beans, sausages, mushrooms and chips with these legendary jokesmiths in the convivial premises of Brighton and Hove’s best-loved greasy spoon (you pay the bill.)