Bare Cheek: The idiot diet
A non-advertisement advertisement
Are you desperate to lose weight, but the old ‘eat less and exercise more’ thing isn’t working out for you? Are you sick of fad diets that don’t work? Well here’s a fad diet that definitely does work.
The Idiot Diet is based on what we call ‘the gullibility factor’. Basically, human beings can be divided into three genetic types; the slightly gullible, the very gullible, and the extremely gullible. These three types need to eat entirely different food groups, in different amounts, on different days. For example, here is a typical week’s diet for a type ‘B’(very gullible):
MONDAY
One grape (peeled).
TUESDAY
Plain yoghurt with bacon. 5lb bag of monkey nuts.
WEDNESDAY
Nothing (fasting day).
THURSDAY
Meat pie with chips and mash, roast potatoes, full fat coke, lager, sticky toffee pudding with whipped cream, 20 B&H, cigar, brandy, box of Terry’s All Gold.
FRIDAY
Wham Bar.
SATURDAY
Curry. Space dust.
SUNDAY
Piccalilli.
To order your Idiot Diet guide send a cheque/postal order for £300 to Dr. Brian Mitchell, PO Box 6969, Arse Street, Brighton, BN3 9GH.
Mend & make do
WITH JILL GINGHAM
In these days of austerity people have returned to simpler, more economical ways, so here’s our new columnist Jill to show you how to slash your housekeeping bills and have fun without spending a penny!
Dear Jill,
Please help, I don’t know what to do. Due to recent changes in legislation I only get about two thirds of my housing benefit paid, and have to make up the rest from my dole, which leaves me and my three kids only £10 a week to live on. Now my landlord tells me he’s going to put up the rent at the end of next month which will leave us with nothing. I’m a single mum, and can’t work because one of my kids is under two and I can’t afford childcare. I’m at the end of my tether and am having thoughts of doing something stupid. Please, please help.
Carol, Portslade
Jill says: White wine vinegar mixed with lemon juice makes a very effective (and cheap!) window cleaner.
Dear Jill,
My wife, who is paralysed from the waist down, recently had a Work Capability Assessment and has had all her benefits cut. I myself am registered blind and lost my own benefits last month following a similar assessment, and currently work cleaning the floors of the local pound shop working purely by touch. This only pays minimum wage however, and we are shortly to be evicted. We have nobody to turn to and I’m afraid we will end up on the streets. There must be some way out of this nightmare.
Please help.
Roger Enderby, Mile Oak
Jill says: A tasty, filling and very cheap cake can be made with 200g margarine, 200g flour, 100g raisins and a teaspoon of baking powder.
Dear Jill,
We lost our house last year, having bought at the height of the housing boom and being unable to afford our mortgage repayments. We are currently living in a B&B provided by the DSS, but this is very dirty and damp, which exacerbates my daughter’s health problems (she has been on the waiting list for a lung operation for over two years). Our money problems have meant that my wife has been forced to turn to prostitution, despite being four months pregnant, but even this brings in scarcely enough money to pay for food. I was made redundant from my job as a caretaker due to cutbacks and cannot find work. It feels as though there is no end to our misery. Both my wife and I are on anti-depressants but they don’t seem to be doing much good. Please, please, please try to give some useful advice.
Martin Bates, Hove
Jill says: Reinvigorate badly-scuffed leather shoes by rubbing vigorously with half a potato. Then wipe clean and polish as usual.
