Bare Cheek: Hove factually

Five things you never knew about fantabulous Hove

1 The first draft of R. D. Blackmore’s sweeping romance Lorna Doone was actually set in Hove, with the dreaded Doone clan conducting their reign of localised terror from a semi in Neville Avenue.

2 There is no sewerage system in Hove. All human waste is collected in cesspits, which are emptied every second Tuesday of the month, when the town is evacuated.

3 The origins of the form of music known as ‘The Blues’ are often disputed, but are believed by some musicologists to have emerged from the area of Hove now known as Tongdean.

4 From 1845 until 1966, Paynton’s Ales was the biggest brewer in Hove, holding over thirty tied houses, including such favoured haunts as ‘The Welshman’, ‘The Backstabber’s Arms’, ‘The Benefits Cheat’ and ‘The Dismissal for Gross Misconduct’.

5 The Proconsul of Hove is an ancient office established by Emperor Claudius and lasting to this day. Now largely titular, its holders include such dignitaries as Jon Bon Jovi, Bartleby The Scrivener, the Crazy Frog, Beryl Reid, Itsy and Bitsy (ruling jointly), E.T. A. Hoffmann, Constance Cummings, Joseph K., the Cresta polar bear, Billy Dainty, and the Ritz Brothers.

Fair & festival roundup

Yes it’s the time of year when East Sussex hosts more festivals and fairs than ever before! Here are a choice handful.

POETS’ CORNER SUMMER FAYRE
Face-painting, mask-making, stalls selling those spherical cupcakes on sticks, “story-telling” you don’t let the kids near, henna tattoos, Jerry Rulf and his mates playing obscure rockabilly while their Bettie Page-lookalike wives sway drunkenly in the front row, and drumming.
June 17th

RINGMER CARNIVAL
Some bunch of 17 year olds playing covers that you can only tell what song it is when it gets to the chorus, face-painting, second hand clothes that smell of patchouli oil, suspicious-looking noodles in foil trays and drumming.
June 18th

FIVEWAYS JAZZ FESTIVAL
Featuring the Ken Ringworm Trio, Paradise, Tim Spottiswoode, Rip van Jazz, Art Ensemble of Canada, Maxton Roach and his Centurions, the Martin Proud Connection, Ward “Smokey” Terry, and Howard “Lew” Lewis Jnr.
June 20th–23rd

PORTSLADE EARTH FESTIVAL
Ayurvadic Yoga, buddhist meditation, vegan ice cream, crystal therapy, solar energy, flapjacks with weird bits in the kids won’t like, chanting, face-painting, hair-braiding, a demonstration of composting toilets, and drumming.
June 25th

HOLLINGDEAN VILLAGE FETE
Tombola featuring a Toblerone and a bottle of Sambuca purchased in 1989 as prizes, face-paining, bash the rat, egg-throwing, dangerous-looking bouncy castle, Punch and Judy, ring the bell, wheel of fortune, beer tent, candy floss, and a s*** caricaturist. And drumming.
June 27th