Bare cheek: Etiquette with Hetty Kwet

Some of the finer points of etiquette to improve a reader’s business prospects explained

Dear Hetty,
I run a company that makes and sells immersion heaters. We are hoping to win a big contract with a large Japanese firm and, to that end, myself and my colleagues will be travelling to Tokyo later this month. I’ve heard that the Japanese are sticklers for etiquette, particularly where business is concerned, but I have very little idea of what their brand of etiquette might consist of. Can you please give me a few pointers so I can avoid messing everything up?
Martin Shaft, Hove

Dear Mr. Shaft,
I am, of course, an expert on British etiquette, but after a long conversation with a Mr. Yoshida who runs the local sushi restaurant in town, I believe I can be of help.
The traditional Japanese manner of greeting is to grasp the nose of the other person firmly between thumb and forefinger and to tug it thricely, while beaming and humming the theme from The Dam Busters.

Now, the Japanese are great present-givers. Before you get down to brass tacks you will be presented with a gift, and will be expected to give one in return. I would suggest a record album by the New Romantic band Japan, a copy of Aneka’s 1981 hit single ‘Japanese Boy’ or perhaps a compilation of sketches featuring Benny Hill’s hilarious Japanese character.

When it’s time to get down to brass tacks you should announce “let’s talk turkey.” The Japanese appreciate a show of strength, so talk loudly with lots of physical contact. If you want to emphasise a point then grab the person you are talking to by the shoulders or perhaps put a hand on his buttock. Absolutely refuse to compromise – the phrase “take it or leave it, chum” is one that the Japanese particularly appreciate.
One further thing – if you’re given anything weird to eat (octopus, raw fish) simply fling it on the floor. Everyone else will be doing the same thing.
Hope this will be of some help and good look with your meeting!
Hetty X

The Directors’ Commentary

You may find it hard to believe, but it’s eight years – eight whole years! – since Bare Cheek began running in Latest 7 Magazine. So we thought we’d get esteemed writers Brian and Joseph to look over that very first column from 2005 and give their thoughts on it in a sort of directors’ commentary. Enjoy!

BRIAN: “Hello.”

JOSEPH: “Hi!”

[PAUSE]

JOSEPH: “Er…well this is our “directors’ commentary”…so let’s get on with it, shall we?”

BRIAN: “Blimey – I’d forgotten about ‘Dani’s Diary’. Whatever happened to her, eh?”

JOSEPH: “Oi! You’re wasting time. Turn to our page.”

BRIAN: “Sorry… here we go.”

[LONG PAUSE]

BRIAN: “I don’t
remember this bit.”

JOSEPH: “Me neither.”

BRIAN: “I don’t understand that joke.”

JOSEPH: “Is it something to do with Bramwell?”

BRIAN: “Dunno.”

JOSEPH: “Look at our hairstyles back then!”

BRIAN: “Ha! Right – will that do?”

Join us again in 2021 when
Brian and Joseph will be giving a commentary on the commentary you just read.

In & Out

In
• The Milk Marketing Board
• Arseing about
• Kony 2012
• Robot Wars
• Cleggmania

Out
• The General Synod
• Ms. Pacman
• Nazis 1994
• Doing the Monster Mash
• Freddie Laker

Follow me: @MitchellnNixon
brianandjoe@foundrygroup.co.uk