Bare cheek: Brighton’s favourite agony uncle is back

Ask Uncle Nick

Hello Cobbers! Sorry I haven’t been around to offer you all my valuable advice in matters of the heart for a while, but I’ve been busy; albums, tours – you know how it is. But I’m back now, so let’s get on with it with no further ado, okay mates?

Dear Uncle Nick,
My girlfriend and I have been together for eight years, and I’d love to ask her to marry me, but I’m not sure how to go about it. I’m sure she’d find the whole “going down on one knee” thing corny (and sexist) but any other way I’ve found on the internet (such as hiding the ring in her dessert at a restaurant or asking her to marry me on a radio or TV show) sound a bit rubbish. What should I do? I suppose I could always wait for her to ask me but she shows no signs of doing so.
Paul, Whitehawk

Uncle Nick says:
Strewth! Listen to me, mate, and listen good – all Sheilas love a bit of the old romance, no matter how much they pretend they don’t. So get yourself and your Sheila down to your nearest Italian eatery, get one of those violinists playing a racket at your table, get down on the old bended knee, get the ring out, and say those immortal words: “Listen here, love, how’s about you and me getting hitched?” Can’t fail, mate. Trust me.

Dear Uncle Nick,
There’s this girl at work that I really fancy, and I’d love to ask her out, but I’m a bit shy. What would you do in my shoes?
Steve, Patcham

Uncle Nick says:
Strewth! Pull yourself together mate! What are yer – a man or a mouse? Listen – when I got together with me current squeeze Susie Bick she was a famous fashion model. “She’s out of your league, mate,” all my mates said, so what I did was I had a large cake delivered to her home address. Just as she’s about to cut it open I leap out with a massive bunch of flowers, singing my hit song ‘Into Your Arms’ and playing the ukelele. Did it work? You’d better believe it kid, as my old mate Baloo the Bear from The Jungle Book was wont to say, and we’re still together today (in fact that’s her with no strides on on the cover of me latest album “Push The Sky Away.”)

Dear Uncle Nick,
I suspect that my husband of 11 years is having an affair. How can I find out if my suspicions are correct?
Janet, Hanover

Uncle Nick says:
Strewth! It’s perfectly simple, Janet. Beckon him over calmly and quietly, then kick him in the love-spuds as hard as you can and shout “are you having an affair you bludger?” in his earhole. That should do the trick.

Right – that’s it for this week. I’m off. See you galahs later.

Nick X

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