Vanessa Austin Locke: Let us forget

My ongoing interest with the effects of the internet on our neurology and psychology demands that I engage with it. But I am drawing nearer to the conclusion that I want out, and I see a larger trend in this direction. It is now supremely cool to not have a Facebook account. Anonymity is the new black, and it’s hard won, especially if you have any kind of public persona.

Initially I studied Theatre at Dartington College of Arts, but I realised pretty early on that I just didn’t want to be in the spotlight. So I moved over to the Englishes for my MA, where I could learn to be a writer – I’d have the opportunity to use all the creativity and imagination required by an actor; I could embody characters and learn about the world through experience, but I could do it all from behind the scenes.

Then the internet happened and impaled me on a double-edged sword. On the one hand I could represent myself however I wanted (which the profession now demanded) and circumnavigate my shyness. On the other hand I was trapped in a persona that wasn’t mine – rather like an actor who’s taken The Method to heart. My personality was in danger of splitting, or at least dissociating me from my other self.

The first time I was invited to be represented by a literary agent he said, “you’ll be great on camera”. I was panicked. If I wanted to be on camera I’d have stayed at drama school. The collaboration didn’t last. Then the first time one of my articles got significant attention from an internet troll I was furious. I hadn’t signed up for this. I just wanted to sit in a library, learn things and make stories.

I’ve taken those Myers Briggs tests and have always come out as a strong introvert, but nobody except my nearest and dearest (of which there are few) would ever believe that because of the way I present myself online and in print, which has spilled over into how I present myself in the ‘real life’ of my online persona. And I know quite a few introverted mutants like this these days, because success (small and large) comes hand in hand with recognition and exposure. Social (media) status is a currency.

So how can I get around this? Do I have to go underground? Do I have to abandon my profession? Or will there be a surge towards privacy? Microsoft has jumped on this problem to get an edge on Apple with their recent ‘your privacy is our priority’ campaign. It’s a good move from them as we begin to get irritated by our Apple software incessantly syncing and taking control of our other devices while we standby helplessly screeching, “Why is my TV remote controlling my computer?”

Online footprints, like carbon footprints, are nigh-on impossible to expunge, but there are things and people I just want to let go of, not because I hate them, but just because it’s time. I want to forget. There’s not room for all these past versions of me in my current self. So last week I deleted everything in the email account I’ve had for ten years. It felt great. The obsession with displaying, backing-up and archiving information was beginning to make me feel like I was drowning in an endless 2D paper trail. Surely some things are meant to be lost.

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