Bare cheek: Predictions for 2014

Well, ladies and gentlemen, 2013 has been universally proclaimed absolutely the worst year in human history, since records began (even worse than 1347, when three quarters of the earth’s population were killed by the black death), so will 2014 prove any better? We gaze into our crystal balls to find out.

JANUARY
The bus company start the year as they mean to go on by putting the fares up 20% and slashing services. House prices go up by five grand. Six pubs close down.

FEBRUARY
North street is closed for some inexplicable roadworks that go on for the whole month. The redevelopment of The Lanes begins.

MARCH
Brighton is briefly in the news again when a vicar somewhere remarks on its godlessness (again.) House prices go up by seven grand.

APRIL
Someone has a heart attack doing the Marathon dressed as Deputy Dawg. House prices go up two grand. The redevelopment of The Lanes hits a snag when the 17th century Puget’s Cottage is accidentally demolished and replaced with a Bistro.

MAY
The “must see” show of the Festival is a loose adaptation of Crime And Punishment, performed in a disused shoe shop. It is crap. Bus fares go up by 30%.

JUNE
An obviously-doomed restaurant serving Cajun food opens and becomes the only restaurant in the history of the world to close on its opening day. Eleven pubs also close down.

JULY
On the first day of the holidays glorious sunshine lulls everyone into a false sense of security; people flock to the shops to invest in shorts, sun hats and flip flops, and the city’s café owners and ice cream vendors breathe a sigh of relief.
The next day it rains for ten hours solid and doesn’t let up for a month.

AUGUST
Brighton Pride is largely incident free, as always. House prices go up by another five grand.

SEPTEMBER
Work starts on the Brighton Open Air Theatre, but, somewhat inauspiciously, is held off by adverse weather conditions including, but not limited to, hail, sleet, freezing fog, hurricanes, typhoons, and blizzards.

OCTOBER
In the comedy festival Jack Whitehall, Dave Gorman, and Robin Ince all provide comedy of an adequacy that has to be heard to be believed.

NOVEMBER
A local Bonfire Society get into trouble for their choice of effigy. The shops all start their Christmas sales on November 1st, plunging everybody into confusion.

DECEMBER
The train company decides to close all the tracks for “improvements” over the Christmas and new year period. House prices go up an unprecedented, whopping, ten grand. Bus fares go up again.

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