Vanessa Austin Locke: What’s love got to do with finding a theme for your wedding?

The big news here is that I’ve finally managed to find a man brave enough to marry me. He can handle my incessant irritability, my excessive sleeping pattern and my penchant for the very dregs of reality television. On top of which he is the son of Elizabeth Bennet no less. A man like that is hard to find, I can assure you, I’ve looked and even Mr Darcy himself turned out to be rather more of a Mr Wickham.

“He can handle my incessant irritability – a man like that is hard to find, I can assure you”

After the happy event we kept it to ourselves for a little while, just enjoying luxuriating in the kind of repulsive soppiness that nobody else wants to see. We did things like tour the bloody battlefields of the
D-Day Landings.

“Darling,” I said deliriously, “This is supposed to be an engagement weekend. Shouldn’t we be cycling through country lanes with picnics or something?”
“It is an engagement weekend,” he replied ecstatically, before continuing under his breath, “engagement with the enemy.”
Then we went and watched the opening scenes of Saving Private Ryan again, just to put it all into context.
But the peace and tranquillity of those lazy, war-filled afternoons was soon gone and we faced the double-edged task of Telling People. Double edged because we’re both rather more private in reality than we’d have you believe, but mostly because weddings, and everything surrounding them, have gone supernova these days with a somewhat overwhelming aura of hysteria.

The anticipated squeals of excitement, questions about dates, unsolicited advice, and the marketing barrage that surely comes if you’re determined to change your Facebook relationship status rather had me wanting to take a nap, let alone the thought of actually organising a wedding.

But the question that I’ve had more than any other and which has left me entirely baffled is this: “What’s the theme of your wedding?”
“Well… er… marriage?”
They look back at me equally baffled.
“No, no!” I’m told. “That simply won’t do. You must have a theme. How about pink? Or vintage? Or pink vintage snowboarding Eurotrash?”
“The theme of my wedding is marriage,” I repeat.
The incredulous stares only deepen.
“Ok, what about pink vintage snowboarding Eurotrash cupcake chic?”
“Um… I’m good with marriage, thanks.”
“But how will you make everything match?” replies the florist/photographer.
“It won’t.”
Florist/photographer’s head explodes…

It seems to me as though the meaning has rather evaporated from weddings in an increasingly secular world. And for the same reason I discounted all those potential partners that described themselves as ‘not taking life too seriously’ I’m repelled by every allusion to my wedding as a party. This is a serious occasion, and we are making a serious commitment. There will be fun and joy, certainly, but after deep thought, consideration and the honouring of an institution that I’m afraid is taken far too lightly these days.

So just as my proposal took place on land which has seen grave courage and honour, just as my list of desired characteristics in a partner seemed dull, including as it did words like ‘sensible’, ‘solvent’ and ‘steady’, so my wedding will be a time of reflection and sombre sincerity. Sombre sincerity – now there’s a theme!