Bare cheek: What’s not on

At Brighton’s most popular festival

COMEDY
MATT JACKSON IN PLEASE GIVE ME A TV SHOW
The hot, fiercely ambitious young comic makes a naked bid to get his own sideways look at the week’s events on BBC3, eschewing jokes for bribes, threats, tears,and the offer of sexual favours to any television producers who might be in
the audience.
Brighton Doom, 11–14 MAY. 8.00. £20/£15

CRUMBS
Sketch troupe who didn’t actually go to Oxbridge but are so posh they might as well have.
Chortling Pony, 11–13 May. 6.30. £12/£10

DANCE
PHOTOCOPIER DREAMS
What goes on in the mind of a sales clerk as he photocopies his harris at the works Christmas party? His dark dreams and aspirations are explored in this new show from acclaimed company Existenzz.
The Rabbithole, 15–17 May. 6.30. £10/£8

KIDS
ARSOLE THE CLOWN
Oh dear! Arsole the clown isn’t very happy! He’s just been evicted from his flat on the same days his divorce came through and he discovered he’s diabetic. Help him cope as he wallows in booze-addled self-pity.
Spoogletent 19 – 20 May. 10.00 AM. £10/£8

THE ADVENTURES OF FLUFFY THE MAGIC CLOUD IN SUPER CANDY PIXIELAND
Hard-hitting exploration of “the troubles” in Ireland during the 70s and 80s.
Yoof Centre 19 May. 10.00 AM. £8/£6

MUSIC
JAZZ THE GIANT KILLER
The Ken Ringworm Trio offer their peculiarly British strain of New Orleans jazz, with special guests Steve Nelson, Hot Potato, and The Nigel Price Five.
Spoogletent Garden. 20 May. 4.00. £8/£6

GET THE FOLK OUT OF HERE
Alternative folk performers, including Stan Predergast, Ribtucker, Candace Lilo, Dry Dog, Jeff Ironlaw, Oak Shin Purse Club, Christhunder, and Pew.
Spoogletent Garden. 21 May. 4.00. £8/£6

The list

In a rare exclusive, we at Bare Cheek have obtained the EU’s list of individuals targeted for sanctions in line with the objectives of its Common Foreign and Security Policy, following Russia’s recent actions in Crimea:

This list presents the restrictive measures in force. It comprises the legislative measures based on Article 215 TFEU and the relevant provisions of the Treaty establishing the European Community as well as the relevant Council Decisions and Common Positions.
Mikhail Baryshnikov
Ivan Skavinsky Skavar
The bloke from the ‘Cockburns’ ad
Ooja Nikkabollockov
Anastasia
That dog that looks like Putin
Peter Ustinov
Ivana Humpalot
Sigue Sigue Sputnik
The bird, the duck, the cat, the hunters, the wolf, Grandfather and Peter

If you have a comment on this list of restrictive measures in force or a question about it, or are in any way unhappy about it, you know what you can do.

HOVE FACTUALLY

FIVE MORE FANTASTIC FACTS ABOUT FANTABULOUS HOVE

1 Products or services to have been tested in Hove before being introduced internationally include Google, MMR inoculations, Blu-ray, cherry coke, and extreme pornography.

2 Following the lead of Scotland, Hove intends to hold a referendum as to whether it should split from the rest of the UK and become a sovereign state in 2015. If this does happen Hove is announced that, while it will continue to use British currency, the national language will be Navajo.

3 The inhabitants of Hove believe that when they die they go to “Tak”, a place that looks exactly like the set of 1992 BBC soap opera Eldorado, but made of glass.

4 In a poll in 2010 to select the most important figure in world history, the population of Hove plumped for the Belgian undertaker from ‘Allo ‘Allo played by Kenneth Connor.

5 Dog owners in Hove must choose their pets’ names from an approved shortlist of five: Robert, Pierre, Allison, Sigismund, and Lillycrap.

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